Thankful Living (Re-post)

My dad just told me not to do "gay shit" on this computer, with a tone that said "test me."

I thought I would be so happy to get away from the city, have some time off work, and get away from a recent breakup. I guess in a way I AM thankful today: thankful I made the choices I have made to get to where I am; that I moved to New York despite my fears and concerns of all the people who swore I was making a huge mistake.

Seeing a small handfull of friends back here in the Midwest has been great, and somehow I have for the most part seen/hung out with everyone I wanted to. My oldest and best friends have shown me that you can still be close with people even though you don't get to talk much. And that you can always pick up where you left off. They have also shown me that I am still the same old guy but just grown up a bit. And apparently that my attitude has grown a bit more abrasive. They have shown me that I'm not a bad person or a loser or any of the things that people who are just trying to hurt/use/manipulate/control me might say. I'm still the funny kid who wore 40-inch-bottom-pants, I'm still the one who took your virginity, I'm still the one who you drove around with bored out of your mind.

The last year-and-a-half in NYC has made me see myself in a more realistic and forgiving new light. I have a much better sense of how strong and fiercely independent I am. How insanely competitive and stubborn I am. I see how strongly I want a loving, lasting, healthy ("issue" and drama-free) relationship. I see how simple I am and can be. It surprises me how easy to please I am. How sensitive and caring I am. I see how easily hurt I am, and how impatient I am to find acceptance and love. I see how much I obsess. My embarassments line up right next to my achievements.

I am thankful for my family; I did miss them, and I do love them dearly, but I am glad to have gotten away from their constant pointless bickering, elevated speaking voices, strained nagging, and side-mouthed judgements. After settling on the east coast, the good-old-fashioned Midwestern ignorance I numbed to earlier now shocks the shit out of me. The fashion is a whole other topic for discussion which I won't bother touching other than to say in Indiana, fat is the new black.

The past few days have shown me how deeply emotional of a person I am. My emotions surrounding guys and past relationships are so complex and crippling, deep down I know I'm not ready to give it another go because I am still hurting so much after all these years, loves, faces, cocks. It's just so fucked up, and it makes me want to tear my eyes out, but I realize how impossible it is for me to let go of the past. Dually, I am immensely frustrated by the fact that though I realize how much my life has taken a more responsible, positive shape in the last year, I still feel the need for reassurance and validation - either from guys, or from work, strangers, or all of the above. I still feel so lost!!! But ultimately, I guess I've been standing solid on the feeling that I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, and live any way I want. Life is too short to be always thinking about how others will perceive you/your actions. The last year has shown me that despite the growing pains and heartbreaks and scares, I still come out ME, and a stronger person with a better sense of who they are and where they are going.

Upon my return, I hope to keep things going with my job, get the promotion, and be open to new opportunities. I want to focus on all things social and domestic - my home and my friends, and getting more involved with activities I love like DJing/producing, German, cooking, writing. I've been in New York long enough now to know you don't get anywhere by staying in your apartment feeling sorry for yourself. It's not a raging pity party at my place, but there's definitely a rut-like trend I see after looking at three failed NYC "relationships", and just the general state of affairs in which I currently find myself. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. I've been in limbo for a while now... things are gaining momentum but they just need some time.

I want to go home and start giving myself the love I've been looking everywhere for except in my own heart. It's so cheesy and cliche, I know... but it's true. I need to have a memorial for the idealized figures of my past, say a prayer for the future, and start living my life in a way that every day I wake up and am thankful for another shot to try it all over again.

Matthew, Andy, Victor, Matt, Chris, Tom, Jared, Art, and Nick - Thank you. This is for you.

My Vote for 2006 Album of the Year (Re-post)

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The Turnaround (Re-post)

The five of them entered the restaurant loudly, like usual, and moved like traffic towards the bar.
Joshua could get a clear view of them from where he was posted.
Within moments, they all had martinis or highballs and were toasting for someone's 27th birthday. It was the girl in the long gold dress.
"That dress probably cost more than my car," he thought to himself.
He had seen them so many times, but never this closely. And he never felt the jealousy he now felt so accutely. In his heart, perhaps he just wanted to be like them. But reality made him daily aware of the fact that he would never sit among their ranks.
Or could he?
He wondered what it would take to be friends with them. How closely knit they were...
Could he simply befriend one and the others would sheepishly follow, or would he have to get to know each of them, and flatter them, and surprise them, and impress them most of all?
Thomas spoke up.
"Class is what distinguishes us from the vagabond on the street. If I see someone at a club and I notice an Hermes tie or maybe he's in a Gucci tuxedo at an opening - whichever - I know this man is not under me."
The others nodded.
Joshua knew it would be easier than expected.
His dad's restaurant was making less and less. Josh had nothing to lose. He had no status. He had no dignity. He had no wealth.
Even though they were but five people, they could be considered a staple to any small business trying to break even and establish themselves in one of the most cutthroat restaurant markets in the world.
But beyond the restaurant, and his father's sinking debt, Josh knew that these five were the ticket out. With his father's fading health along with his dwindling resources, Josh was forced to face the tough facts - and that meant coming up with a plan that would not only secure the family some stability, but which would propel him literally out of a blue collar, and into a set of Prada loafers.

Currently listening : Black Holes and Revelations By Muse Release date: 11 July, 2006

It's About Fucking Time, CDC! (Re-post)

So, apparently American health care is starting to take its head out of its own ass. The Centers for Disease Control issued a statement this week saying they believe all Americans ages 13-65 should be getting mandatory but voluntary regular routine HIV/AIDS tests.

Not only does this just "make sense", it will serve to de-stigmatize those living with HIV/AIDS, and give people who previously were too scared or ashamed to get tested the extra push they might have needed.

Of course many ignorant people have their arms raised in protest, but in all honesty, who cares? For too long AIDS has been considered a "gay" disease, and even though it is still more FREQUENT in gay males, this whole country is at risk.
Most importantly, we have the opportunity and the obligation to set the example for the rest of the world.

Stepping off soapbox now.

Read the article:
http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/09/21/cdc.test.ap/index.html

Currently listening : Sessions By Mark Farina Release date: 18 July, 2006

Time Out - London Sun Herald (Re-post)

This article is not only cool because the ad agency I work for gets mentioned often (JWT), but more so because it is an example that we as a society are ready to start talking about the ugly subject of how our work lives are inhibiting or even hurting our "other" lives, and the bigger analysis - What is valuable? What is the value of time?

The article is tiptoeing around the heart of the issue a bit, but if you read between the lines, especially the parts with Geoff Small, founder of "Slow" - a new venture to help people streamline their lives in accordance with their hearts' callings - you can see that people with a lot of power and money are beginning to say "What the hell am I doing?!? My job doesn't MEAN anything in the larger scheme of things!" and as a result, these same people are starting up their own journeys as entrepreneurs or teachers.

I also find the article cool because it fleshes out the human side to the animalistic beast we all think of when thinking of corporations and advertising in specific; it shows that advertising isn't just giving people something to chew on in order to sell a product or service they didn't know they wanted or needed... that ads can be something people WANT to spend time with.

Exciting stuff if you ask me.

Enjoy!

Time Out

, Sun Herald (London), by Alex May, August 27, 2006

Society

We put off happiness, neglect our families and pay a dog-walker - all so we can spend more time at the office in pursuit of a better life. Time has become so precious that advertisers are now trying to sell it to us.

John Churchill used to thrive on chaotic busy-ness, where a slow week meant working 70 hours. The result was that he was made partner in a law firm before he reached the age of 30. But it took its toll on his family life: for the first nine months of his daughter's life, he confesses, he only ever saw her asleep.

"Large organisations are prisons where the walls are built of money," says the former chairman of PricewaterhouseCoopers Legal. "People make trade-offs they will just do it for a while but it's hard to break out of."

Churchill gave up his fancy Sydney office in 2001, when "it just wasn't fun any more". "Now our family has a hobby," says the father of three. "We collect memories." He no longer talks about his career - his business card bears his name only; no job title - but he works pro bono, acts as a mentor and directs several company boards. "Every night, our family sits down for dinner and we take the phone off the hook," he says. "Sometimes dinner takes half an hour; sometimes it takes three hours."

Last year, after conducting polls throughout Europe, America and Australia, advertising agency JWT declared that time was the new currency. "People aren't sitting around trying to figure out what to spend their money on," spouts their research. "They're frantic deciding what to spend their time with." Nowadays, says the agency, the most powerful thing a marketer can offer any customer is the opportunity to save a minute or two.

"People rate time ahead of money," explains Craig Davis, JWT's chief creative officer, citing his company's finding that 88 per cent of Australians were happy to pay more money for any brand they identified as a "time-saver".

Davis

says it's not just lack of time that's stressing us out - it's the myriad choices we are offered. Should I buy a plasma TV or go on a holiday? Have children now or wait until after a master's degree? "When there is a lot of choice, there is pressure because every choice you make has an inverse cost in lost opportunity," says Davis. "If you sit and read the newspaper, that means you miss out on kicking a ball with your kids."

Advertisers have cottoned on to this by selling us the seductive illusion that we can buy not just status or sex appeal but time. Virgin Blue billboards promise more "you time" thanks to web check-in services. And Berocca's manufacturer declares we can "get more out of every day" as it shows us two girls popping a fizzy vitamin tablet and crossing four time zones in just one weekend.

Retail expert Anton van den Berg, who works for consumer research giant ACNielsen, points out that even with a declining birthrate, disposable nappies have increased in sales and breath-freshener strips that make it possible to sweeten your mouth without stopping, chewing or gargling are now a $10 million segment of the market. "Three years ago, that market didn't exist."

Now that marketers battle for a share of our time rather than plain old vanilla market share, could visions of relaxation and time to spare replace the seductive images of sex and status that advertising has relied on to flog us products? "I don't know if time will ever be as powerful as sex at selling things," Davis says. Although he does wonder whether even sex has become a victim of time poverty. "I bet it has gone the way of cooking. What used to be a slow-cooked meal is now a zap in the microwave."

Former corporate high-flyer Geoff Small - who has worked in retail, banking and advertising - says there is a good reason the advertising industry wants us to treat time as a precious, dwindling commodity: "People feel they need to entertain themselves all the time so they consume more than people who are taking life easy."

Small admits he used to be "addicted to speed", running companies that ate giant chunks of his time and sent him on crazy missions such as flying to Munich for the day. Even in his time off, "my to-do list used to read like 15 volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica," he says.

Social researcher Clive Hamilton agrees. "Even our leisure activities have been commodified," says the economist and executive director of the Australia Institute. "All the 'take a break - you deserve it' ads, with men and women walking along a beach with their cuffs rolled up. The powerful message is that you have to engage in expensive activities, then go back to your hectic life just to pay for a snatch of leisure time. It's absurd. Why not take it easy in the first place?"

As British marketing consultant Simon Gulliford points out, "Work used to be a place you went but now it's what happens when you open your eyes in the morning and look at your mobile phone. It's why people like me find it makes business sense to actually hire a driver so that I can work while I am stuck in traffic."

He says the on-hold messages, time-robbing bank forms, queues and inadequate public transport are the reason the iPod music player is so successful: "It turned time-robbing activities such as queuing up or catching trains into an opportunity. People feel in control of their lives when they are listening to their iPod."

For many people, the only way to feel less time-poor is to "downshift", by giving up a busy job or moving out of the city. "We have studied downshifters in detail and discovered that it's not just a matter of rearranging your time or earning less money," says Hamilton. "Downshifting is all about reclaiming time so that you aren't beset with obligations. The big obstacle people face is giving up the status that your job and money gave you."

Small concurs. "I think downshifting is a bad word because you 'up-shift' your quality of life when you do it," he says. Now working as a life educator, Small runs a program called Slow to teach people how to "find new meaning in just being who they are rather than what's on their business card".

Fabian Dattner, author and partner in Melbourne-based training company Dattner Grant, says Australians have never been richer nor more unhappy. (Australia Institute research has found that 30 per cent of full-time workers know they neglect their families but think it will be worth it in the end when they have more money; this is called "deferred happiness syndrome", with high- and middle-income households more likely to suffer from it than low-income earners.) "Life is not a ride to get off; it's a mind-set. Lift your head from the feed bin and if life is too complicated, start to say no," she says.

Small suggests throwing your wristwatch away and stop using the clock to dictate what you should be doing. "I also get people to draw up a list of all the things they want to achieve in your life - then focus on only one of them. Most people have 37 things they want to achieve, and that's impossible. One or two goals? That's possible."

Dr Adam Fraser, a Sydney-based workplace trainer, says slowing down is good in theory but incredibly difficult to achieve. "Because we are time-poor, we tend to give up the things we enjoy to get more time for work and family," he says. "But if you add something that gives you a sense of enjoyment - a musical instrument, charity work, whatever - that will juice you up and give you more energy."

Hamilton scoffs at the traditional business and workplace approach to time management. "All those tips to manage your life tell you to pay someone else to do your boring household tasks. That just shifts the pressure on to some other poor bugger," he says. "Paying people to walk your dog seems utterly pointless to me. Surely you get a dog so you can spend time with it."

Dattner says she is staggered by the number of people she sees walking dogs while talking on their mobile phones. "Dogs never fail to greet you with unbridled love," she continues. "This is a gift on your plate. Some people talk on the phone through their best moments."

MINUTE MANAGER

She writes books. She is a university administrator. She teaches evening classes. She has two children. She spends three hours a day cooking, cleaning and washing. She does voluntary work. She meditates. She paints. She is studying for a phD. She swims three times a week.

Meet Jennifer Brassel. She's busy but doesn't feel pressured. "Like everyone, I do get stressed from time to time. But I have an approach that works," says the author of romance novels such as Honour Bound.

The 48-year-old, who lives in Sydney, writes a daily to-do list after her morning meditation. "I get a sense of achievement if I have more than half the list scratched off by the end of the day; a completely done list makes me feel like I am in control of my life," Brassel says. But she is unfazed when she doesn't achieve all she sets out to do. "I don't feel guilty if I take a day off and sit on the couch. I allow myself to recharge."

Brassel says rather than think of the tasks she undertakes as a chore, she sees them as an opportunity to do something exciting and different. "I enjoy cooking. It's like a creative outlet for me and then I get to sit with my family and spend time with them," she says. "There is only one thing that I pay someone else to do because it doesn't help me relax and it's dull: ironing."

***************

Currently listening : So This Is Goodbye By Junior Boys Release date: 17 August, 2006

The Reconciliation: Part I (Re-post)

The Reconciliation

We decided we wanted to have a nice day together, and do something out of the ordinary. He thought we should rent a car, after we realized it was clearly too late to get any good sun at the beach. I disagreed, knowing how poor we both were. But it was to be an adventure; we were escaping.

The silly little black Kia Spectra left Hertz in midtown by Grand Central at 1:30 on Sunday. Slowly but surely the colorful Latino and black neighborhoods and projects replaced looming skyscrapers and precious luxury boutiques. Kids played basketball in a court on the edge of Central Park. Cyclists carried their bikes over their shoulders on their way into the city. The Hudson sparkled on the left as we made it over the George Washington Bridge, and then started traveling up the Palisades Parkway. The city became smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. LD and the New Criticism played on the stereo: seething bitterness and playful remorse; make fun of the ones you love, and spank yourself for being dumb enough to love them.

We packed a bowl, and with the city out of sight as we exhaled the thick swirling bluish smoke, we finally knew we were finally free for a time.

It just sort of happened about an hour and some change into our trip that I looked at the map he was carrying in his lap like an Egyptian tablet with hieroglyphics, and then realized we were traveling up the Appalachian Trail. Growing up, you always hear about the trail, and the settlers, and the American pioneers, but to see it is something else. And to fall upon/into it by chance is something else entirely. But we were excited at the prospect of making a real excursion out of this, and as I drove further and further up the mountain, we were determined to get the most out of our measly Kia.

Driving over the bridge and swerving up the tiny curvy road to Bear Mountain proved to be quite fun. The overlook was amazing, and what Im guessing was a glacial basin formed the cushiest, most inviting-looking blanket of foliage Ive seen in a long time. The tops of the trees swayed with the breeze, sandwiched by the soft brown mountain tops, and the rivers edge lapped at the shore seductively. Sun rays swept over the green like near-invisible feather dusters, making everything appear sharper and juicier. Clean.

We shared the moment without talking much, other than noticing how this was the normal thing for people on the East Coast to do get out of the city, see something, go home. We got kids ice cream from an obligatory truck that looked like Mister Softee but wasnt. There was also a hotdog cart that only confirmed our proximity to the city.

As I ate my frozen Scribbler that looked like a jumbo-sized crayon, I knew we had to press upward and onward. Continue on the Trail.

The odd little village of Highland Falls houses the ominous WestPoint Military Academy. It also protects and serves as a safe haven for stereotypical-looking, but unconventional-acting police officers. Leaving the compound I got turned around (literally) in a confusing interchange on the side of a cliff.

We had no idea where to go. I saw the flashing lights, and the officer was next to my window before my companion even realized we were being pulled over.

(Thick Northeastern accent) ''I pulled you over because you cut off the guy in front of me, and this is a really dangerous roundabout. We dont want accidents. Where are you going?''

''Sorry officer, were trying to figure that out, and I guess I wasnt paying enough attention to the road.''

''Because youre too busy suckin' on your daaaamn lollipop! Now just relax, Im not gonna give you a ticket. Where the hell do you want to go? You in the mood for a nice scenic view and perhaps some cocktails, boys?'' (emphasis on cock).

''Yes officer, that sounds lovely.''

''Well go here, here and here. Turn left here, continue on here. Just get the hell out of MY town. And be careful!''

''Thank you so much officer, we'll be more careful.''

He may as well have slapped me on the ass as we went on our way. He trailed us in his big SUV for a few minutes, and as we rolled out of Highland Falls at a leisurely pace of 35, the cop shop was on the right, and thankfully he pulled in as we kept going. Prolly wanted some coffee, or to share his tale of running into two popsicle-toting fags, stoned out of their minds back at the pass.

Currently listening : Creative Spaces By Inland Knights Release date: 29 May, 2001

The Town Crier Has Lost His Voice (Re-post)

Myspace sorta sucks now in regards to intellectual property (blogs and soforth), so some time soon I'm moving my blog - I just don't know where yet. I've been wanting to start up my own site to shamelessly self-promote, expose, revel in, and share my schnibbles of life ala the cultur/glitterati for some time now; this is the motivation I needed.

So, since we've been apart for so long, I know you're thirsty and hungry and bored, so here is my take on "Today's Specials."

1- What the FUCK is going on in the Middle East?

2- Again - What the FUCK is going on in the Middle East!?!?

3- Fresh Direct really IS good! I especially recommend the Curried Chicken Salad.

4- Manhattan is ridiculously expensive. And the scary thing is that it's only gonna get worse. We are all being squeezed out of this city by rich bitches who've had tons of plastic surgery and only live in their apartments for three weeks out of their jetset year. How's that for a class system? Though the majority of folks who live in NYC make decent money, we live at or below what would be considered poverty-level in other places in our fine country. The real shocker (thank you AM New York) is that the average apartment to own in Manhattan costs $1.3 Million (YES MILLION) dollars. And that's just the average guys. OK. That's enough to chew on regarding THAT.

5- The fucking heat wave can lick my balls. This Wisconsin boy misses wearing sweaters and boots and coats to hide in.

6- Love knocked on my fucking door, and I answered people. If you haven't noticed, I've somehow managed to date the same guy for almost 6 months now! La-ti-da.

7- Even after seeing Madonna (aka OLDFRAPP), Goldfrapp is STILL my obsession. To make things worse, they HAD to come back October 18th to promote their remix album "Glitter" (not to be confused with Mariah's horrible "movie"). The tickets are already purchased, so hopefully I'll see some peepz there other than that psycho ex I always run into at Irving Plaza (tit for tat, Zorba).

8- We are all dying. This is really precious and fragile. All with different end-times and shelf-lives. Enjoy it. Get ready for it.

9- We all know who our "REAL" friends are. This is becomming more apparent every day. Family DOES mean something, just not what we thought before (blood ties, wombs and circumcisions) - it's something more invisible and spiritual and not so physical and geneological (though those things DO figure in... just not as much as the other meatier stuff like soul groups, etc.).

10- Everything matters. Be wary and question anyone who tells you something is not a big deal or something is really THIS way, when your head and heart are screaming the opposite. People are liars, and will do anything to get their way (success, money, power, prestige, Prada, whatever).

11- Live and Let Live people. Live and Let Live.

Until the next installment (hopefully on a new and truly fabulous site!),

Corocet

Currently listening : The Eraser By Thom Yorke Release date: 11 July, 2006

Success and the People Who Forsake It (Re-post)

Hobo

Hipster

Hayseed

Homeless

Hot

Haggard

Humid

Holistic

Everything is talked about being cool and no one has anything to say except for what cool is. Often I want to be a vagrant on the street.

..

I see so many homeless in my daily life... I often misspell daily dailey. Why is that?

..

When I see them, I hear their pleas. I see their limps. I feel their war stories... The words!!! They drip from their mouths like blood from a wound, and the vampire I am licks it up. Kitty milk. Dont consider it a form of revelry.

..

This empathy/sympathy/pity/y/y/y HURTS. Every day I see the sign or a sign that says, I have liver disease. I got a job but I was fired after 2 days.

..

I am a black ninja.

..

I wont lie to you. Its for beer.

..

HOMO

..

This is where the attraction and the allure come in.

..

I feel it, and I hear it, and sometimes I smell it but a large part of me wants the street life 24/7 all the time and through all the pain... Do I deserve to be where I am?

..

I question my place, and what I really want out of this life and this place. But minute by minute I find myself saying Why the hell do any of us persist with this daily toil? Are we appreciated? Are we respected? Are we valued?

..

If the voice of a leper woman from Europe has the power to make me cry, is that not a sign my urge to sing and make music is dying to take over? Its silly.

..

All I think, and all I love, and all I yearn is music, travel, love, and fashion. The music and the fashion and the philosophy all melt together in the heat and quickness, and still I find myself avoiding and procrastinating with my craft.

..

I know I am meant to do it, but I almost flirt with it knowing that its the one I will marry, so before I put the ring on, I want to play the field for a while.

..

..

I moved here to make music. I am coming up on my 1-year anniversary living in Manhattan. New York City. New York, New York.

..

That anniversary is June 25^th. It is 5 days before my parents 27-year anniversary. 20 days after my 26^th birthday.

..

Delightful.

..

Another year on the streets.

..

*$9!

..

Corocet

Currently listening : Élan Vital By Pretty Girls Make Graves Release date: 11 April, 2006

The Freedom Act of 2006 - F.O.F.F.A. (Re-post)

"In a river the color of lead
Immerse the baby's head.
Wrap her up in the news of the world.
Dump her on a doorstep girl.

Oh this night has opened my eyes,
and I will never sleep again.

You kicked and cried
like a bullied child.
A grown man of 25.
Oh he said he'd cure your ills
but he didn't and he never will.

Oh save your life
because you've only got one.

The dream has gone
but the baby is real.
Oh you did a good thing.

She could have been a poet
or she could have been a fool.
Oh you did a bad thing.

And I'm not happy and I'm not sad.

A shoeless child on a swing
reminds you of your own again.
She took away your troubles.
Oh, but then again, she left pain.

Oh PLEASE save your life because you've only got one..." (the Smiths)


Camus basically said slavery is necessary, or else no one would know what to do. We need masters and bosses in order to have SOMETHING to serve. If we can't serve our own purposes, we need to find someone whose purposes are in accordance with our own and serve theirs. In many ways I agree with him, but once again if it came to semantics, I think the presentation of his philosophies, and as a result the ideas themselves, are dated/premature. But as an innovative writer/philosopher/revolutionary, one often must say MORE than what one means in order to ignite change or in order for less extreme versions of your views to be adopted into the mainstream consciousness.

When we are fetuses, we are slaves to the womb. Born, we are slaves to our parents and teachers. Adult, we are slaves to love and "bosses."

That said, I have taken my indentured servitude elsewhere. I'll be a slave to something or other for the rest of my life (dick, music, writing, the pursuit of _____) but I think I'm getting better at choosing my master.

This week has been a personal molt with proportions so grand and ever-unfolding I can't even begin to describe. This entry will be a bit (or completely, depending on how ego-centric you are or how ego-centric you view me to be) journal-y. Sorry for the lack of interactivity folks, I just need to wax on wax off and I get there through writing. So if you think my life is boring or lame or that I'm masturbating while writing this, then go elsewhere. But I think my words and experience might ignite a lightbulb, or perhaps make someone break something themselves... or like me - put an end to the bullshit relations in their lives and start enjoying them again, and for that reason I write despite the lack of your participation directly or indirectly in this particular instance. There will also be those who read this who actually DID indirectly participate in the Emancipation of Mikey, and in turn the release of Corocet. And you will all know who you are, precious things. I thank you for your contribution to my exodus, and I bid you good day (and good life).

The decision to cut out certain fixtures in my life was indeed difficult. It wasn't until after cutting said things and people out that I realized how much grief and emotional/spiritual energy the ongoing maintenance of said interpersonal relationships were inflicting upon my lightening frame in any dimension. Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back, I am so happy I had the courage and wits to give up on trying to make friendships and certain aspiring notions WORK.

It's not like I didn't know these things were addictive or that they were hurting me more than helping. Or if not hurting, not doing ANYTHING for ANYONE. But still we kept up the rouse. I ask why!?! Well, it's that in giving up an irrepairable broken friendship or lack thereof, I feared seeing myself as a failure. And not just a failure in that instance of schism, but perceived as a moral and interpersonal failure. Sounds crazy, right? And it is! But when you have someone you love(d) and RESPECTED telling you what a horrible person you are, it sort of hits home. That teamed with the fact that perception is reality, nobody wants to be looked down upon.

As an advocate for peace and tolerance, the idea of a world with undying feuds and bitter adversarial relationships really hurts me on a soul level. Real pain. Ouchies! If the "relationship" really just consists of the silent treatment being tossed about like a ball in a tennis court, it really does break my heart. I have always hated the idea of throwing people away. Friends, lovers, the person who cuts my hair. I know well the anguish and despair that's anxiously waiting in the wings of your heart after being told by someone you care about that they simply and succinctly don't want you in their life.

The whole last two years of my life has been almost primarily focused on "fixing" (by accepting and forgiving) the wounds suffered after the end of an unhealthy relationship. It seems this fluff (and sometimes cancerous) extraction marks the end of my transition, and the beginning of the life I moved here for, and on the flip side have been waiting to come to me for a year now. I now see and accept that sometimes letting go is necessary. Often it is. And that letting go of something too tired, proud, fragmented or broken is better than persisting with a vehicle that was pretty much faulty to begin with.

Self-preservation verses Sainthood? I used to think so. But now I know that I can not only be a saint, but also look out for myself and my own well-being. That's the beauty of living in a reality system of duality. That's how all of us (but especially I) can be such a contradiction in terms when reviewing our behaviors, opinions, and quirks.

So in short, Fuck OFF Assholes!

Love,
Corocet

Currently listening : Hatful of Hollow By The Smiths Release date: 09 November, 1993

Astrally Speaking, Of Course (Re-post)

It's time again for a suppository blog insertion by yours truly, Corocet.

Do I speak of the lovely New York Spring? The tree pollen so high I could propell a small hovercraft with my sneezing gusto. But really, it is quite beautiful here right now. Floating above the city one could see a slight haze beginning to form, especially on a day like today. Standing behind a bus, or waiting in a crowded elevator, one really gets the sense of how fast it's going to be sweltering hot. We have to enjoy this while it lasts folks, because in a month, we'll all be complaining about the stench-filled streets and whinging over our "why-the-fuck-doesn't-this-shit-work!?!" roll-on deodorants. Personally, second to fall (maybe even tied), Spring has been my favorite season so far in the city.

Do I dare speak of my blossoming theory that James Iha of Smashing Pumpkins fame is going to be this summer's "Itgirl" for Manhattan nightlife and bar culture? I see his blond-gone-bad Asian ass ALL OVER THE PLACE. Almost always downtown (in my neighborhood), almost always somewhere borderline but not-quite mainstream, and always with a confused Keanu kind-of look on his face. It's so sexy and random I think if he simply cashes in on his elusive/everywhere thing he's obviously got going on, he could make a mint.

Do I talk about how reading Albert Camus' The Fall has made me that much more excited about life, and about society's (and in turn my own personal) evolution? His words have a timeless quality about them, yet at the same time they date his philosophies. Here's a quote I loved: "You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question." Another: "No man is a hypocrite in his pleasures".

Maybe I'll discuss my dreams. After fighting with my Self, my enemies, family, and friends - waking myself up screaming though tears - I wake up feeling like I've truly said my piece, nobody wins, and we all just move on with our lives. Pretty heady shit, and I'm not talkin' 'bout no Devil weed. But maybe I should? Ah who cares, weed is pretty boring when it comes down to it.

Maybe I'll talk about my obsession with Stargate SG-1. I tell myself it's based on truth, because it validates my own experiences, but moreover - imagining a world without alien life is too damn depressing. I know personally that alien life exists, but what I don't know is if they are here to help us or enslave us. That sentence may strike some of you as a joke or plain crazy. But as a college graduate, and as a sane, working professional, I swear to all of you reading this right now: my experiences are real (read "Kundalini Activation" in my blog's archive if you don't already believe).

Aliens are here. They can look like us. They can sound like us. And they are watching. As of yet, there is no danger in sight... only an anxious sense of mutual curiosity. But with world affairs in the loveless state they are in right now (Moussaoui told a court filled with people "America lost. I won."), who knows how much faith our alien counterparts have in our ability to handle technology and knowledge responsibly. This is why I love SG-1, and sci-fi in general - because it embraces the notion that man is not the pinnacle (of God's creation), nor the epicenter of the Galaxy. That we have not ARRIVED, and that culturally and technologically we are mere babies - zygotes - in comparison to some of the more advanced alien races that exist in the Universe and whose representatives are already on the same dirt you shovel in your garden, and whose ships watch and wait in the same skies you look at when you wish on stars. While this may sound paranoid circa 12 Monkeys to some, I patiently and positively assure you - I am not afraid of anything (except maybe not living up to my own personal potential), and I am not saying these things to you for any reason other than I think more people need to start waking up to the changing tide around them! Are we as people obligated to fight for truth and spread that word? Are we supposed to enjoy subjugation? Or perhaps are we too concerned with monetary success and the quest for power? You thought the tsunami was crazy?! Wait till First Contact!!! Wait till the aorta of humanity (the common man) gets informed through network and corporate media about who the Annunaki were, and their role in our planet's history.

There is so much to talk about in life that it's a wonder any of us can open our mouths and string together a cohesive thought/phrase/sentence at all. How, and I think more imporantly WHEN will the rest of us realize that linearness is sort of like a red herring in a novel!?! We think it's all about TIME, when time is really just a scene or a setting to color and provide a kind of frame.

I think I'll just talk about nothing. What do YOU think???



Currently listening : Film School By Film School Release date: 24 January, 2006