Throw 4 I Love Yous (Re-post)

The first "I love you" we ever hear is probably from a parent. Usually a mother.
Then we might hear it from a sibling or a relative or a close family friend.
A time comes when we start hearing "I love you"s all over the place.
Our friends are saying it.
Our mouths are saying it.
Our hearts are screaming it.
Our crotches burn with it.
Eventually we say "I love you" and mean it in a way we've never meant it before.
Magical first.
Desperate hunger.

***************************

I've been seeing someone for almost a month now.
There have been no "I love you"s, and I don't see them coming any time soon.
But it's no more or less there than any other situation I've been in prior to this. It's just quieter.

If anything, the unspoken "I love you" is there more because there is a sense of excitement, wonder, and anxiousness. The "I love you" is not thrown like a ventriloquist's voice.
What nervous joy to contemplate the ultimate surprise (and yes love), when someone has love to confess. What a gift. What a miracle.

********************************

I think of my mother. A woman with a sharp tongue, an at times scathing demeanor, and
a heart of gold. She says "I love you" at the end of every conversation, in person or on the phone. But the "I love you" is always a closer, a conclusion... never a focal point.

I don't know if I like the "I love you" as an afterthought. I want the "I love you" in the middle of a funny story, or after you pick me up when I fall on my face, as I am wont to do. Maybe this is fucked. My life is lived in a never-ending climax kind-of-way, therefore I guess it's only natural my desires and yearnings follow that curve.

************************************************************

The most significant love of my life doesn't speak to me any more. What's crazy is that I love him more than I did when I was with him. But that's how I'm wired. Perhaps I idealise the past; I do idealise the past. When "I hear I love you" I want to hear it forever. I don't want it for a few years and then have it taken away. I want it to breathe and live and change and grow and eventually, with me, expire. It's not that I believe in a "One" for everybody. I do think love is about commitment - to each other, and to the relationship more than anything. It is about experiencing life with somebody. And even if you're not fucking that person any more, up until almost 2 years ago, I have always found it very simple to maintain loving and powerful friendships with exes.

Obviously I have moved on. I've moved on in so many ways and changed so much I often feel like I've metaphorphed in a very Kafka kind-of-way... complete with the revelations, the epiphanies, and the resolve. But I still can not give up this silly human desire to love and be loved. To deny it would surely kill me! I've come so far, and I feel as if I've just begun.

Stardom, Rejection, Veto Power; Satire and The Insatiable Need for Approval (Re-post)

Last night

1.
New York City. Chelsea. XL. America's Next Porn Idol. My roommate and friend Everett went because our friend Derek (*69 Records) was the makeshift Simon Cowell in the D/E-List panelist of "celebrity" judges.

2.
Living rooms worldwide. Fox. American Idol was seen in tens (hundreds?) of millions of homes around the world. Mandisa rocked the party fo' sho', but Catherine (whom my friends and I lovingly call "Nanny") McPhee totally brought up the rear.


Today

1.
New York City. Avenue of the Americas. UBS Warburg. 1 pm. Interviewed for a position I didn't really want, but knew they would want me for as soon as I walked into the office and sat down. Even though I had no interest in the nature of the position or even the field, I wanted a group of strangers' approval SO fiercely I could taste it. As soon as I knew they wanted me and were willing to pay for me, I began slipping in addages and stories I knew they would be tickled by or interested in enough to ask me a follow-up question about.

2.
New York City. My bedroom. 4 pm. Read somebody on Myspace's blog who has this experiment to go on 75 dates or something, and write about each guy/date. At first glance (date 1) I thought this was sort of an original idea. But by date 13 (current date), I really see this blog for what it is - a half-assed and rather lame attempt to stealthily justify promiscuity! Not only in hindsight does this poor bloggist seem like a whore, he relies on an HBO character's writing style to deliver his self-perpetuating cart of rat manure. I don't care how fabulous you think your New York life is, or how great you think your "snarky" style of writing is, YOUR LIFE IS NOT SEX IN THE CITY YOU STUPID FAGGOT. Get a clue, get a style, and then let's talk!

***

From American Idol and America's Next Top Model, to the growing trend of blogging, it's fast become obvious to me now that we are a culture obsessed with judging others. Many people are not blogging or contestants on American Idol or ANTM because they LOVE writing, or love singing, or LOVE modeling (!?!?), but instead they are there for VALIDATION and status. It's like blogs are the new Dior Handbag or Jimmy Choo sandals.

I feel like there is this elephant in the room nobody wants to acknowledge but we all know is there - swinging trunk, floppy ears, fear of mice, and everything! If we deny it, it doesn't exist, right?!? WRONG!

My sole intention in practicing my craft (writing and music) has never been to become famous or because I approval sought. Sure, praise and come-uppins are GREAT. Amazing record sales or getting picked up by a literary agency would definitely make me feel like I've made steps in realizing my dual dreams... but alas, I know that my insatiable need to CREATE will never be qualmed or quieted by a blue ribbon in ANY competition. Even if I was the winner of some TV beauty pageant. I am my biggest competitor, and I have only myself to deny or celebrate, and I think that goes for all of us.

My plea is for love. We need to put more love and care into our crafts. If you feel the need to create, do not create out of emulation (though inspiration is often found through mimisis)... create to interact! Give your fellow man (sorry girls) a REASON to think about your product in a way that engages them and perhaps even inspires THEM to create something.

It's like those HORRIBLE fake Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts that were going around Wal-Marts in the 90s, or the miles of tables of fake Louis Vuitton handbags lining the streets of midtown and Canal Street. Everyone know's that it's fake, contrived crap. Maybe the people who bought them didn't... but there will always be people like that - the people who buy the fake shit for status because they can't afford the real deal, the people who vote for the Kellie Picklers or "the next Carrie Bradshaw"s.

Well I'll be the first to say - I DON'T WANT YOUR ADORATION. REJECT ME. I love it if you love me, but I really don't care if your lame ass thinks I or my work for that matter suck. Because people like you simply do not know how to think. For yourself, or anyone else let alone me.

When I read or listen to music I want to feel engaged, not like I have a ticket to see an ugly guy jerking off in the front seat from the back of a really ghetto silver 80's stretch limousine. GET ME THINKING. Don't just put your stupid and confusing shit on me, cuz I don't want it! I have my own to (not) make sense of, and to be honest - your shit de-inspires me and takes away my faith in humanity.

NOTICE something. Ask for guidance. Plead. Scream. Just please don't sit there masturbating and expect me to watch and wait until you're finished. Cuz I'll be gone, and by the time you get your clothes on, my shit will be in Times Square above the steaming Cup-O-Noodles. And by the way - your new handbag sucks.

Currently reading : Do You Suck as Well as Fuck? Totally Sexed Up Tales of J. Edgar Hoover's America By Ken Ichigawa Release date: December, 2005

The NO NO Place - Courtesy E.T.Verett (Re-post)

My dog has cancer. He's almost 5 and he'll be dead before he's 6.

It's the year of the dog; transition, rebirth, renewal.

Controller. Controller is a really whatever band.

They remind me of a similarly-forgotten troupe: The Strokes, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs... annnnnnnnd though some would cheer "Clap Your HANDS!!!!" NOOOOOO!!!

CONTROLLER. CONTROLLER *puke in mouth a little*

So.... I think

The Boy Least Likely To

and

LD and the New Criticism (after drinkin' it up with LD tonight at Phoenix)

ARE THE BEST CDS of ages.


Good

Night

(and good luck)

**************** FASHION KILLS

Currently listening : Best Party Ever By Boy Least Likely To Release date: 19 July, 2005

It's All Four Du (Re-post)

sorry to be a disappointment Ladies... but sometimes Korean or Japanese really isn't THE BEST.

The Asians have the best intentions, but the road to hell is paved with such... the Olympics can only back a pack. Chinese figure skating pelvic-crunchers can only my point support.



Oh Zhang Dan and Zhang Hao - Silver medals are what I speak of here, when tasty tuna and succulent wasabi combine to make supah-gay-c-o-c-k-z-e-e-r-a-a-h. Feeeeeels sooooo goooooood.

I just ate an egg roll from a chinese place that's so authentic I've eaten dog.

I wish you were here to cuddle and nonsense and shush and hush me in to nothingness.

O I wish you were here to stick your finger in my mouth and stuff me full of silence... until I can tell tale no more.

Stick it.

It's time, boy.

You.

Me.

Night.

Now.

Currently reading : Edgar Allan Poe: Selected Works, Deluxe Edition By Edgar Allan Poe Release date: 03 October, 1990

Closure: Forever Sentimental (Re-post)

Of course I thought of silly old you this weekend. How could I not? Geographically speaking, it was the closest we'd been in many months. Emotionally I've never felt farther away from someone.

Surprisingly you didn't come up as much as I thought you would. Of course you came up, but honestly not too much. It was an unexpected, though welcome phenomenon.

What was interesting was how visiting the old haunts and seeing the old faces made me miss my life here. I missed what I've so passionately and energetically created for myself on this crazy island of freaks and fools.

The weekend got me thinking about a lot of things. I thought that perhaps going home might bring you back out from the shadowy corners of my heart's attic, but really and if anything, it sealed the attic door even tighter, and gave me more closure than any five or twenty frustrating conversations with you would ever do... now or a year ago.

If we were still together, I never would have moved to New York.

I would have never seen Rip Taylor in front of my office.
I would have never seen Ethan Hawk from 3 feet away.
I would have never attended that party in the Rainbow Room.
I would have never gotten drunk with Boy George.
I would have never worked on photo shoots.
I would have never gone to chic chic industry parties.

I would have never had those central park picnics.
I would have never memorized the subway system and all of Manhattan's neighborhoods.
I would have never known how amazing New York is in the fall.

I would have always felt like less.

I would have never realized how much I actually loved someone *you*.
I would have never felt like I'd done something by myself.

I would have never loved you forever.

I would have never gone crazy.
I would have never come back to myself.

I would have never understood you better by being with someone else.
I would have never forgiven you.
I would have always beaten myself up.

I would never have the life I have now.

I would never have the friends I have now.

I would never have the happiness I have now.

If we were still together, I would still never have you.



Currently listening:Songs of Love and HateBy: Leonard CohenRelease date: 07 February, 1995

New York vs. Relationships (Re-post)

This city turns people into sluts. Glorified hookers.

You move here and are dickwhipped by the sheer amount of hot people everywhere. They could be in the deli buying avocados or at the cafe getting a really lame drink. The point is, it's hard not to see someone you want to fuck or would at least consider taking them home if you were drunk.

In my experience the first couple months here are a hot and sweaty mess of bedhopping, condoms, and weird "dates." A lot of sex is had, but to what end (IN which end is clear). Other fags I know have the notches in their bed post to match this common lifestyle.

I won't speak of the health risks associated with promiscuous sex (there are many), but I want to dissect the issue a bit.

After a couple months of such "fun", I broke. Single for over a year, I grew weary of the meaningless trysts and romp-and-pomp couplings. And don't get me wrong - I had many one-night stands in Indianapolis AND New York. There have even been two boys here who had my heart, but both somehow managed to shatter my trust or simply make me feel like shit. And though I love falling in love, and love having a boyfriend even more, I refuse to settle for something that feels wrong, or for someone who does't treat me how I know I deserve to be treated.

Why do so many guys here have the attitude of "I can be a dick and a slut and do or say whatever I want, because there will always be someone out there to move on to" ?
Why do so many guys think being a jerk is cute or sexy?
Why do so many guys talk the talk, but when it comes down to it they never do what they say they're going to do?

People here are great at spinning and mincing words. It's so easy to say you like something, or you had a good time, or you've "never felt this way before", but it's a lot harder to show me how much you care about me, or how you are actually listening to half of the stupid shit I talk about or am intereseted in at any given moment.

Now we're gonna get deeper.

I think the New York "blinders" have a large part to do with this - that people are so wrapped up in their own minds and experience that they cannot "take their eyes off the prize." It seems everyone wears these blinders - when they're walking down the street, when they're in line at a bar, when they're shopping for groceries, and especially in the transport system. Practical and cautionary, yes perhaps... but also cold, unreactive, and compassionless.

I believe these blinders affect how people get to know each other too, but in a less obvious way. We self-sabotage, we don't allow ourselves to FEEL for someone. We don't allow ourselves to be loved. We turn off emotions we think might end up hurting us. We fight. We fast. And we yearn.

I say it's high time to make a little more eye contact. Let go of the words, and embrace your fellow man. The blinders are really quite unnecessary if you think about it. We can all walk and chew gum at the same time. This is not unlike that. So stop waiting for the next best thing. Stop looking around the corner. And start fostering the relationships that make you a little scared of yourself. Nurture the feelings you fight away because they make you feel like you're falling out of control. Love yourself, and try to love someone else. Try to let someone else love you.

I love this city, but I refuse to conform to some of its inhabitants ways. I want to fall in love, and I'm ready to be loved again. I'm open to whatever the universe sends my way.

Currently listening : Vauxhall and I By Morrissey Release date: 22 March, 1994

Same As It Ever Was (Re-post)

Saturday 1/24/98

I'm better now, but 24 minutes ago, I smelled like a used firecracker, and coins going into a piggybank were the loudest most invading noises I have ever heard in my whole life. Tonight was weird.

Tuesday 1/27/98

Well last night I asked Joy why she told me she loved me. She said "because you're superb." And went on to tell me how she sometimes wants to be with me instead of Luke. I started crying and said "well I'm rather shaken, and I'm going to go to bed now." And she said "Wait a minute. I just don't want to give you up." And I said "You gave me up a long time ago, Joy." And then I said goodnight. And she did too, but said it so quietly as if it was so small it didn't exist.
Last night I also rented Beautiful Thing, and I cried at the 1st scene. Then I stopped. But the last scene when they dance together to "Dream a Little Dream" I started bawling and couldn't stop.
Right now, I am sitting in a room with no windows because I was going to ditch SRT (Homeroom) with Liz and Marissa and Laura and some other girl. I had parked up top in the teachers' lot and we were getting into the car when a dean stopped us. Fuck. So, because we were "good kids", he only took away our travel priveleges during SRT. But for me, because I was the driver, he gave me an in-school suspension, which is bullshit. He also called my dad. I hope I get to go out this weekend.
This lady just said to one of the other boys in here "Dan, don't even think about going to sleep in here now, darlin'." Cunt. She's playing solitaire on her computer. I think I remember seeing it on the screen when I walked in, but more than anything, I recognize the incessant clicking of her fat fingers on the new mouse.
My mom's a solitaire fiend too you know. Fuck this.
My co-conspirator Liz is here with me now. Marissa and Laura just got sent back to their classes. "Dan" just asked for a pair of scissors. Somebody please shoot me.
I'm having flashbacks to 6th and 7th grade when I had detention after detention, and in-school suspension at least once a month.
Oh God. Let me out!
I'm going to stop for now and pretend that I'm a lice on that fat bitch's ass. Oh wait. Now I think I'm going to vomit. The things I get myself into. le sigh. More later I suppose.

Currently listening : Infinite Love Songs By Maximilian Hecker Release date: 21 August, 2001

Breaking Up Is As Easy As 1 2 3 (Re-post)

Through the surprise. Through the bitterness. Through the tears. Through the anger. Onto the mourning. Onto the death. Into the rebirth. Into the Discovery. Into your Self.

I give you my musical prescription for moving beyond failed relationships, and getting back in touch with your Self.

I give you 123 songs that put you through the necessary ringer, only to bring you out of the drier fluffier and better-smelling.


Sand River 3:49 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season
The Ordinary Boys 3:10 Morrissey Viva Hate

Indian Summer 3:30 Tommy Dorsey The Best Of Tommy Dorsey
Sea Of Teeth 4:29 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life

Candy Land 2:56 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

Pretty Good Year 3:26 Tori Amos Under the Pink

Mynewname 3:46 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Wonderful 4:22 Adam Ant Wonderful

Please Do Not Go 4:15 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
Back To The Old House 3:02 The Smiths Hatful Of Hollow
Suffer 5:10 Smashing Pumpkins Gish

Resolve 2:51 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season

The Things You Said 4:02 Depeche Mode Music For The Masses
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me 3:52 Low Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

I Am Hated For Loving 3:41 Morrissey Vauxhall And I

It Can't Come Quickly Enough 4:39 Scissor Sisters Scissor Sisters
Come On In 3:46 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Fade Into You 4:55 Mazzy Star So Tonight That I Might See
Crush 3:34 Smashing Pumpkins Gish

Death Of A Disco Dancer 5:26 The Smiths Strangeways, Here We Come
Unravel 3:17 Björk Homogenic

I'll Never Smile Again 3:14 Tommy Dorsey The Best Of Tommy Dorsey
Out To Get You 4:26 James Laid

Y Control 3:35 Yeah Yeah Yeahs Spin Mag CD

Prove My Love 2:38 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
Crown Of Love 4:42 The Arcade Fire Funeral

Track 04 3:26 The Singles I'm On a Sinking Ship

Don't You Want Me Anymore 3:47 Pulp Countdown 1992-1983
Ex Factor 5:26 Lauryn Hill The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
Lilac Wine 4:15 Nina Simone How It Feels To Be Free

By Your Side 3:59 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want 1:52 The Smiths Louder Than Bombs

Novanna 5:23 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Missing the War 4:19 Ben Folds Five Whatever & Ever Amen
Soma 6:40 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream

All Night Home 3:43 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Mysteries 4:39 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season

Painbirds 3:50 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Not For Sale 1:19 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

It Doesn't Matter 4:45 Depeche Mode Some Great Reward
Flake 4:51 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Now My Heart Is Full 4:57 Morrissey Vauxhall And I
Sweet Sweet 1:38 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream
Asleep at the Trigger 4:45 Autolux Future Perfect

I'd Like to Hurt You 3:46 Clearlake Cedars

Wanted 4:24 White Town Women In Technology

Holidaypark 2:50 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Bigmouth Strikes Again [Live] 5:51 The Smiths Rank [Live]
Add It Up 4:43 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes

Feeling Called Love 6:01 Pulp Different Class

5 Years 4:29 Björk Homogenic

M 3:03 The Cure Seventeen Seconds

I Do Not Want This 5:41 Nine Inch Nails The Downward Spiral
I Know It's Over [Live] 7:49 The Smiths Rank [Live]
Lyla 4:04 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

Eyepennies 5:27 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life

I Want You 4:39 Pulp Countdown 1992-1983

Keep Smiling 2:39 Clearlake Cedars

Confessions 5:32 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
Tom the Model 3:41 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season
Boys Don't Cry 2:37 The Cure Three Imaginary Boys
Spaceboy 3:59 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream
Capital Kind of Strain 5:42 Autolux Future Perfect
My Best Friend 3:58 Annie Anniemal

Sunshine 5:03 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Why Does It Hurt 1:45 Hot Snakes Suicide Invoice
Great Days for the Passenger Element 5:20 Autolux Future Perfect
Treat Yourself with Kindness 5:54 Clearlake Cedars

Trouble Loves Me 4:40 Morrissey Maladjusted

In Your House 4:07 The Cure Seventeen Seconds

Haitian Love Songs 4:55 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve
I Won't Share You 2:48 The Smiths Strangeways, Here We Come
Good Feeling 3:52 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
It's A Wonderful Life 2:59 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life
Rhinoceros 6:32 Smashing Pumpkins Gish

Celia Inside 4:40 The Cardigans Life

Wind in the Wires 4:18 Patrick Wolf Wind In The Wires
Sugarless 5:22 Autolux Future Perfect

Frou-Frou Foxes In Midsummer Fires 5:36 Cocteau Twins Heaven Or Las Vegas
Window Paine 5:51 Smashing Pumpkins Gish Alternative & Punk
Used To Be A Sweet Boy 2:49 Morrissey Vauxhall And I
A Featuring So Bold 2:58 Bobby Birdman Heart Caves
Colder 5:09 Colder Again

Secrets 3:20 The Cure Seventeen Seconds

Gold Day 4:14 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life

C'mere 3:11 Interpol Antics

Sunny 2:45 Morrissey Sunny

No Easy Love 4:02 Annie Anniemal

Candy Says 5:20 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season
New World 4:21 Björk Selmasongs Alternative & Punk
True Love Leaves No Traces 4:26 Leonard Cohen Death Of A Ladies' Man
Promise 2:49 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes Alternative & Punk
Hold On To Your Friends 4:02 Morrissey Vauxhall And I Alternative & Punk
Downforthecount 4:25 Transmissionary Six Get Down Rock
Once In Awile 2:43 Tommy Dorsey The Best Of Tommy Dorsey
Exchange 4:11 Massive Attack Mezzanine Electronica/Dance
Happy Meal 2:37 The Cardigans Life Alternative & Punk 100
Little Star 3:39 Stina Nordenstam Romeo + Juliet Soundtrack
Once I Flew 4:24 White Town Women In Technology Electronica/Dance
Your Daddy's Car 4:03 The Divine Comedy A Secret History - The Best Of The Divine

Day Dream 3:08 Smashing Pumpkins Gish Alternative & Punk
Stretch Out And Wait 2:38 The Smiths Louder Than Bombs
Luna 3:20 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream Alternative & Punk
Junebug 3:25 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider Alternative & Punk
Speak To Me/Breathe 4:02 Pink Floyd Dark Side Of The Moon
Caring Is Creepy 3:20 The Shins Garden State Soundtrack
Go It Alone 4:10 Beck Guero Alternative & Punk 100
The Only Living Boy In New York 3:59 Simon & Garfunkel Garden State
Mouth's Cradle 3:59 Björk Medúlla Electronica/Dance
A Week Next June 4:18 White Town Women In Technology
How Long 4:54 Out Hud Let Us Never Speak of It Again Electronica/Dance
Never As Tired As When I'm Waking Up 4:49 LCD Soundsystem LCD Soundsystem [Disc 1] Electronica/Dance 100 7
Changes 3:36 David Bowie Changesbowie Rock 100 8
Good Head 6:38 Turbonegro Apocalypse Dudes Rock
Chewing Gum 3:54 Annie Anniemal

Future 5:12 Cut Copy Bright Like Neon Love Electronica/Dance

Then She Did... 8:18 Jane's Addiction Ritual De Lo Habitual
Little Fat Baby 3:40 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life Alternative & Punk
It's For You 4:50 Out Hud Let Us Never Speak of It Again

Everyday I Love You Less And Less 3:37 Kaiser Chiefs Employment
Jacob's Ladder 1:21 Patrick Wolf Wind In The Wires Alternative & Punk
Tristan 2:35 Patrick Wolf Wind In The Wires Alternative & Punk
Unhappy Birthday 2:45 The Smiths Strangeways, Here We Come

Currently listening : Set Free By The American Analog Set Release date: 20 September, 2005

The Relationship Coin (Re-post)

To all the friends and lovers I've broken up with:


I still love you

I just can't be around you because you cause me pain, confusion, doubt

I don't trust you; you make me not trust my self

You don't care for me as much as I care for you

You hurt yourself, and I can't stand idly by while you continue to deny your self-hate

You don't understand me like you think you do

I'm tired of fighting

I don't like where this is going

I don't see where this is going

This is going nowhere

I just want to be happy (not with you)

I don't like being associated with you

You embarass me

You disgust me

You need me too much

You put me on a pedestal

You drive me crazy

We are bad for each other

I miss you some times



To the friends and lovers who've dumped me:


With each passing day, I understand why more and more

I wish you had given me another chance

Why was it a competition?

I put you on a pedestal

I still love you

That's OK

I think I cared more about you than you cared about me

You really hurt me
You really made me doubt myself

You taught me so much about love

Maybe I am still IN love with you

You were right

I remind myself of you sometimes lately

I'm glad we had our time together

You put me on a pedestal

Sorry I wasn't what you wanted

Sorry I wasn't who you thought I was

Sorry I didn't make it

Sorry I wasn't strong enough

Sorry I said those things to you

I just wanted you unconditionally

You broke my heart

You will have my heart forever

You were right not to trust me

You drive me crazy

We were not right for each other

I miss you all the time


Currently listening : Loveless By My Bloody Valentine Release date: 05 November, 1991

Number 1 (Re-post)

A loud horn just honked outside for like 20 seconds. It was quiet except for this piercing note. The note struck something inside of me, and my mind floated away with a cloud and my consciousness said "Number 1".


So I turned on the Goldfrapp song and sure enough, the song began with the same clear and powerful note.


Incensed, I got out my Harmonica. I had to know if it was a C. Sure enough, it is a C.


Many scientists and people who work with sound frequencies and pitch, etc. consider C to be like perfection. The way it resonates, and the power the note carries in all of its octaves and in fifths.


Following the feeling - that high you get from synchronicity - I got to Googling.

Courtesy of Wikipedia:




** From the discussion **:
Talk:Middle C
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

"There's one pitch in which middle C is 256Hz (philosophical pitch? I can't remember the name). Has the nice advantage of all Cs being powers of 2! -- Tarquin


It is indeed called philosophical pitch (or sometimes "scientific pitch") and was reasonably popular for a while. It's very handy mathematically speaking if the only notes you're going to use are Cs - otherwise the nasty twelfth-roots of equal temperament come along and make all the other pitches things like D=287.350284Hz ;-) I'm going to write about different pitch standards at pitch (music) one day, it's an interesting subject, I think. I'll spruce this page up a bit as well. --Camembert

Then I got to thinking about the mathematical element to a keyboard, music, and C. From my esoteric studies, I know C is considered to be the note of enlightenment and higher consciousness.

I remembered reading about fractals in relation to C, which made me google fractals and pitch and C.

Courtesy of Terry Blackburn.us:






Experiences like this only support my belief and faith that the theory of Universality, also called the theory of "Everything" will indeed be discovered.

We are everything; everything is connected.

We discover more every day.

Currently listening : Number 1 By Goldfrapp Release date: 2005