My dad just told me not to do "gay shit" on this computer, with a tone that said "test me."
I thought I would be so happy to get away from the city, have some time off work, and get away from a recent breakup. I guess in a way I AM thankful today: thankful I made the choices I have made to get to where I am; that I moved to New York despite my fears and concerns of all the people who swore I was making a huge mistake.
Seeing a small handfull of friends back here in the Midwest has been great, and somehow I have for the most part seen/hung out with everyone I wanted to. My oldest and best friends have shown me that you can still be close with people even though you don't get to talk much. And that you can always pick up where you left off. They have also shown me that I am still the same old guy but just grown up a bit. And apparently that my attitude has grown a bit more abrasive. They have shown me that I'm not a bad person or a loser or any of the things that people who are just trying to hurt/use/manipulate/control me might say. I'm still the funny kid who wore 40-inch-bottom-pants, I'm still the one who took your virginity, I'm still the one who you drove around with bored out of your mind.
The last year-and-a-half in NYC has made me see myself in a more realistic and forgiving new light. I have a much better sense of how strong and fiercely independent I am. How insanely competitive and stubborn I am. I see how strongly I want a loving, lasting, healthy ("issue" and drama-free) relationship. I see how simple I am and can be. It surprises me how easy to please I am. How sensitive and caring I am. I see how easily hurt I am, and how impatient I am to find acceptance and love. I see how much I obsess. My embarassments line up right next to my achievements.
I am thankful for my family; I did miss them, and I do love them dearly, but I am glad to have gotten away from their constant pointless bickering, elevated speaking voices, strained nagging, and side-mouthed judgements. After settling on the east coast, the good-old-fashioned Midwestern ignorance I numbed to earlier now shocks the shit out of me. The fashion is a whole other topic for discussion which I won't bother touching other than to say in Indiana, fat is the new black.
The past few days have shown me how deeply emotional of a person I am. My emotions surrounding guys and past relationships are so complex and crippling, deep down I know I'm not ready to give it another go because I am still hurting so much after all these years, loves, faces, cocks. It's just so fucked up, and it makes me want to tear my eyes out, but I realize how impossible it is for me to let go of the past. Dually, I am immensely frustrated by the fact that though I realize how much my life has taken a more responsible, positive shape in the last year, I still feel the need for reassurance and validation - either from guys, or from work, strangers, or all of the above. I still feel so lost!!! But ultimately, I guess I've been standing solid on the feeling that I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, and live any way I want. Life is too short to be always thinking about how others will perceive you/your actions. The last year has shown me that despite the growing pains and heartbreaks and scares, I still come out ME, and a stronger person with a better sense of who they are and where they are going.
Upon my return, I hope to keep things going with my job, get the promotion, and be open to new opportunities. I want to focus on all things social and domestic - my home and my friends, and getting more involved with activities I love like DJing/producing, German, cooking, writing. I've been in New York long enough now to know you don't get anywhere by staying in your apartment feeling sorry for yourself. It's not a raging pity party at my place, but there's definitely a rut-like trend I see after looking at three failed NYC "relationships", and just the general state of affairs in which I currently find myself. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. I've been in limbo for a while now... things are gaining momentum but they just need some time.
I want to go home and start giving myself the love I've been looking everywhere for except in my own heart. It's so cheesy and cliche, I know... but it's true. I need to have a memorial for the idealized figures of my past, say a prayer for the future, and start living my life in a way that every day I wake up and am thankful for another shot to try it all over again.
Matthew, Andy, Victor, Matt, Chris, Tom, Jared, Art, and Nick - Thank you. This is for you.
