Hall of Mirrors (Re-post)

I was sitting in a living room watching TV and shooting the shit with some faceless friends. All of a sudden the ex I haven't spoken with for almost 3 years (aka THE ex) appeared on the screen. He appeared to be in a new reality-based show about how people turn out after college or something like that.

Voyeuristically I watched him go through his day. He made some coffee, he showered, he put on clothes, he drove to work, he ate, he returned home. All the while he didn't seem to have any idea that I or any cameras were watching him.

It was at this time I became lucid. I then turned and scoffed to my dream friends sharing the couch with me - "God. This feels just like being in A Christmas Carol and I'm Ebenezer Scrooge! I know I was wrong, and I feel horrible for my actions. My harsh words were unnecessary and wounding. My attitude inappropriate. I realize now how I thrashed wildly against something I loved, and out of self-hate tried to squash something I deep down wanted to lovingly and painstakingly nurture back to good health. But how can I learn what I already know from this excruciating display? What is my lesson!?!" My friends offered neither advice, nor opinions.

I continued pleadingly, as if some invisible angel would hear my torment and grant me everlasting peace (or at least peace from the TV torture). I continued my lament. "This is HORRIBLE! Like always, how bittersweet seeing him again! Yet in the end there is just regret and sadness! Again I ask Where is the moral!?!" No reply from the peanut gallery.

Turning to one of the faceless faces, I began to shake them by their shoulders in hopes a sympathetic face would appear. "You know what all this is like?! This fucking TV business? This is like when I dream about him! This is like seeing someone you want to talk to everywhere all the time, but can't - they are turning a corner. They are buying a paper at the newstand as a bus goes by obstructing your view. They are getting on the train on their way to work just as you are coming down the stairs to the platform. They are doing their laundry at the laundromat just as you...

"No matter what happens you can't say anything, and they will never see you! THIS IS JUST LIKE HAVING A RECURRING DREAM ABOUT SOMEONE YOU HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS WITH, BUT WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SPEAK TO AGAIN!"

At that moment I awoke, rattled. I rolled over and tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep. After a few minutes of pondering, I went into the kitchen for a glass of water. My roommate opened his door and we walked together to the living room, plopping ourselves down sleepily on the couch - weekend morning routine as usual.

I began to tell him about my weird dream. Then, something magical happened. In the retelling of the dream, I realized the whole scenario was like watching yourself on TV watching yourself on TV, ad nauseum. I felt almost as if caught in a hall of mirrors. I could see countless versions of myself expanding into infinity, ad infinitum - always one plane/one pane removed - observing, yet inable to affect change or to be seen/heard.

After I finished recounting, the surrounding silence sucked up the dream as if the tale had never been told; the mood of the dream remained. It was humming as it were, resonating with eerie meaning. On one side, my heart was SO full of love. On the other - bitter regret, disappointment, longing, resentment, and frustration.

Closing my eyes for a second in an attempt to get grounded back in my current reality, I distinctly felt like someone was watching me: a reflection in an ever-shifting, infinite hall of mirrors.

Currently listening : Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? By Of Montreal Release date: 23 January, 2007

Watercress and Waterless - Thoughts for the Lost (Re-post)

This isn't any crazy artistic blog - instead just things I've done or am thinking about lately.

Saw CSS with Shout Out Out Out and Dirty on Purpose at Studio B on Friday. 'Twas fun, 'twas. Pics of Lovefoxx and the rest here:

http://www.letsbecomefamous.com/studiob/2007_08_03/

Saw the Bodies exhibit at South Street Seaport on Saturday. The first two rooms were a bit tough to get through. I had to sit and breathe and not look at anything a couple times, dry sweating and vision-impaired. Thankfully they had benches for the queazy. What was weird is that I was always very into anatomy and dissecting things in high school/college.
I guess this was just a bit too close to home? I couldn't stop thinking about meat. We're all just meat. We're flesh. Blood. Ashes to ashes. Food for cannibals. I kept thinking about cannibals and how they believe by consuming, they take a person's soul into themselves. I kept thinking how much human flesh when flayed open and exposed as the meat it is really does look like chicken. Ick. Talking about it right now is making my stomach turn.
After the first two rooms I was fine, and the following rooms were really amazing - circulatory system and babies and organs oh my. It really made me think twice about drinking, smoking, and even pollution. Seeing black lungs will do that to you.
There were garish things too: a giant thumb (think football-sized and then some), conjoined twins, embryos that looked like alien spawn, a cancerous penis, cancerous breasts. I could go on and on.
I got to hold a human brain, heart, and an unpreserved tibia.
One of the coolest things about going to Bodies was watching other living peoples' reactions to what they were seeing/learning about. Little kids were learning the birds and bees from their embarassed fathers (''Didn't think I'd have that conversation today!''). Teenagers lingered around the reproductive section.

That night, I went to see the movie Sunshine with some friends. This is the new Danny Boyle movie (the same guy who did Trainspotting and 28 Days Later). Though there were several holes in the plot, I found the movie very touching. It is a very dark look into a possible future for humanity, but there are moments that made my heart sing, such as when the Captain called everyone to the observation deck to unveil a beautiful, swirling, glowing Mercury in full panorama directly in front of the spaceship. I don't like spoilers, so I won't give too much away, but please go see this movie. It was very entertaining and worth the 12/13 bucks you have to dish out to see a movie in this city.

Mario Party 8 rocks. I always play with Dry Bones or Boo. I added the 'heckle' feature - which makes annoying your competition SO much easier hehe. The Nintendo Wii still amazes me, and I think it'll be a LONG time before I grow bored with it. Wii Fit looks awesome, and I can't wait for Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Brothers, and Wii Mario Kart.

Finally, I'd like to leave you all with a thought I had last night that swooped down into my consciousness from somewhere:

Make an isosceles triangle in your mind/consciousness out of your intention/(thought?)
Emotion/Gut Instinct/Intuition/Fight Mechanism is one leg of the triangle; Thought/Reason/Fear/Flight Mechanism the other leg.

What bisects the two makes a super-trajectory amplifying the intensity of your Higher Self's intention.

It's easier to hate than to love.

Choose love.

Corocet

ps - and because myspace sucks and won't read my codes right, no pics/vids for you guys. Sorry!

Currently listening : Dangerous Dreams By Moving Units Release date: 12 October, 2004

Quiver in the River of Tears (Re-post)

thinking about you
too much in the waking world

no where for those thoughts to go
nowhere for those thoughts to go

turn to dreams to let it go
turn to dreams to let it out

sat down on the couch
with myself before myself

for my self i told myself
cry - wash it all away

so let it out
got to get it out

5 hours later
still sobbing ''youuuuuu''

2 teary hours later
it was my fault too

woke up clear
woke up right

bitten by a spider
in the middle of the night

i'll cry for you
in my dreams

i'll cry for you
in my dreams

Currently listening : Cross By Justice Release date: 10 July, 2007

Curry Chicken Salad Update (Re-post)

Dear Readers:

Tumultuous and bittersweet these last few months have been. Together, we've seen Brangelina's brat pack grow, Anna Nicole's death, Britney's transformation, and Paris is still... well Paris is still Paris. One of my favorite shows is over (HBO's ROME). Friends have come, friends have gone. There have been storms, there have been spills. Good dinners have been cooked, and lazy breakfasts have been had. There have been fist fights, puking, buttsex, records, silly voices, and a lot of laughter. Rather than focus on the negative, I will focus on the positive. I'm trying to "change my luck" as it were. Rather than focus on the confusion and the longing and the pain, I'd rather look to the stars and look to the future, which offers much hope - brighter days, and sexier nights.

The Nintendo Wii is an amazing piece of technology. The best thing about it is the ability you have to create Miis (little characters) that look like you, your ex, your ugly sister, or your dickhead boss. My boss is a South African Orchid so make your own damn Mii. I created one to look like a panda, a bald Britney, a meth-addicted child molester, a personification of my penis, and a Japanese whiz kid. This is just the beginning. The Miis can be used to PLAY games on the Wii. Britney is an amazing tennis player as well as an above-par bowler, and the Okidoki is pretty good at golf.

Still waiting for the raise at work, but some day my prince will come. I will now be helping on the Sunglass Hut account as well as a new luxury retail brand offshoot the SGH is launching called ILORI (doesn't it just sound so sexy you could fuck it? don't you just wanna run out and buy prada shades RIGHT now? Yeah, I thought so {eye roll}).

Nick and I had our 1-year panda-versary (!!!) in February. Not much more to say about that. No idea where we're going. Playing it by ear.

One of my best friends realized she's a lesbian (5 years after the rest of the world hehe).

I can't stop listening to The Knife, !!!, the new Arcade Fire, and yes- still happily playing the shit out of both Goldfrapp and CSS (I'm in lurve with Lovefoxx). And Morrissey has been rearing his chronically depressed head around my corners a bit regularly as of late too.

I miss dancing. At the disco. I will be dancing this Friday. At Studio B. It works. And YOU bettah work, bitch. Diplo is playing (producer of MIA's first album). It's gonna be awesome, and I'm reppin' with a crew of like 20 who hail from Europe, to Long Island, to Beer City Wisconsin, and everything in between. Again - try to make it - it's only $12 and SURE to be an amazing time.

I miss DJing. Help me make this happen, people. I'll give you Gummi Baerchen and snuggles if you get me a gig. I'll work for it, you better believe it. Demos available upon request.

April 7th Patrick Wolf is playing at MisShapes, but SHHHH I don't wanna be waiting in line for days to hear this dandy sing and prance all over the place. I want him all to myself, and maybe a few select peeps (you, dear readers).

My 27th birthday is June 5th. I think I like the sound of Twenty-seven. It has a roundness and OMishness to it. I want to meditate more as a twenty-seven-year-old about being a twenty-seven-year-old.

I visited a psychologist last week for the first time. He called me a complex case. After chatting for an hour, he became increasingly speechless, and could barely utter the assessment that I was "unlike the garden variety" nutjobs he normally works with, after I relayed the moment almost 4 years ago in Amsterdam that changed my life forever. His fumbling made me feel very proud.

Spring has sprung, and I'm like a cat in heat. I wanna spread my scent on every lamppost and scratch my face against trees in the park. I wanna have a love-in and a hate-out. I wanna fly like an eagle. To the sea. Fly like an eagle let my spirit carry me.

As Michelle, the world's biggest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan EVER, says - FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

I am in love.

xoxo,

Corocet Rumspringa Hangovah

Currently playing : Warioware: Smooth Moves Release date: 15 January, 2007

Corocet Travertine Seagull (Re-post)

A lone seagull drifted by just below the cloudline on this crisp cool day. It reminded me of the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which I loved when I was a child. Feeling somewhat stuck lately - a case of the Winter doldrums - the bird reminded me that we are all creatures of the universe. We can fly, and we are not bound by chains to our jobs or our routines. His lazy flight above warmed me and comforted my mind with the knowledge that we are all simply waveforms and particles and expressions of God's beautiful dream. Compete, laze, laugh, plummet, flap, soar, caw. Love.

Currently reading : The Holographic Universe By Michael Talbot Release date: 06 May, 1992