I was sitting in a living room watching TV and shooting the shit with some faceless friends. All of a sudden the ex I haven't spoken with for almost 3 years (aka THE ex) appeared on the screen. He appeared to be in a new reality-based show about how people turn out after college or something like that.
Voyeuristically I watched him go through his day. He made some coffee, he showered, he put on clothes, he drove to work, he ate, he returned home. All the while he didn't seem to have any idea that I or any cameras were watching him.
It was at this time I became lucid. I then turned and scoffed to my dream friends sharing the couch with me - "God. This feels just like being in A Christmas Carol and I'm Ebenezer Scrooge! I know I was wrong, and I feel horrible for my actions. My harsh words were unnecessary and wounding. My attitude inappropriate. I realize now how I thrashed wildly against something I loved, and out of self-hate tried to squash something I deep down wanted to lovingly and painstakingly nurture back to good health. But how can I learn what I already know from this excruciating display? What is my lesson!?!" My friends offered neither advice, nor opinions.
I continued pleadingly, as if some invisible angel would hear my torment and grant me everlasting peace (or at least peace from the TV torture). I continued my lament. "This is HORRIBLE! Like always, how bittersweet seeing him again! Yet in the end there is just regret and sadness! Again I ask Where is the moral!?!" No reply from the peanut gallery.
Turning to one of the faceless faces, I began to shake them by their shoulders in hopes a sympathetic face would appear. "You know what all this is like?! This fucking TV business? This is like when I dream about him! This is like seeing someone you want to talk to everywhere all the time, but can't - they are turning a corner. They are buying a paper at the newstand as a bus goes by obstructing your view. They are getting on the train on their way to work just as you are coming down the stairs to the platform. They are doing their laundry at the laundromat just as you...
"No matter what happens you can't say anything, and they will never see you! THIS IS JUST LIKE HAVING A RECURRING DREAM ABOUT SOMEONE YOU HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS WITH, BUT WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SPEAK TO AGAIN!"
At that moment I awoke, rattled. I rolled over and tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep. After a few minutes of pondering, I went into the kitchen for a glass of water. My roommate opened his door and we walked together to the living room, plopping ourselves down sleepily on the couch - weekend morning routine as usual.
I began to tell him about my weird dream. Then, something magical happened. In the retelling of the dream, I realized the whole scenario was like watching yourself on TV watching yourself on TV, ad nauseum. I felt almost as if caught in a hall of mirrors. I could see countless versions of myself expanding into infinity, ad infinitum - always one plane/one pane removed - observing, yet inable to affect change or to be seen/heard.
After I finished recounting, the surrounding silence sucked up the dream as if the tale had never been told; the mood of the dream remained. It was humming as it were, resonating with eerie meaning. On one side, my heart was SO full of love. On the other - bitter regret, disappointment, longing, resentment, and frustration.
Closing my eyes for a second in an attempt to get grounded back in my current reality, I distinctly felt like someone was watching me: a reflection in an ever-shifting, infinite hall of mirrors.
Currently listening : Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? By Of Montreal Release date: 23 January, 2007
