Surprisingly you didn't come up as much as I thought you would. Of course you came up, but honestly not too much. It was an unexpected, though welcome phenomenon.
What was interesting was how visiting the old haunts and seeing the old faces made me miss my life here. I missed what I've so passionately and energetically created for myself on this crazy island of freaks and fools.
The weekend got me thinking about a lot of things. I thought that perhaps going home might bring you back out from the shadowy corners of my heart's attic, but really and if anything, it sealed the attic door even tighter, and gave me more closure than any five or twenty frustrating conversations with you would ever do... now or a year ago.
If we were still together, I never would have moved to New York.
I would have never seen Rip Taylor in front of my office.
I would have never seen Ethan Hawk from 3 feet away.
I would have never attended that party in the Rainbow Room.
I would have never gotten drunk with Boy George.
I would have never worked on photo shoots.
I would have never gone to chic chic industry parties.
I would have never had those central park picnics.
I would have never memorized the subway system and all of Manhattan's neighborhoods.
I would have never known how amazing New York is in the fall.
I would have always felt like less.
I would have never realized how much I actually loved someone *you*.
I would have never felt like I'd done something by myself.
I would have never loved you forever.
I would have never gone crazy.
I would have never come back to myself.
I would have never understood you better by being with someone else.
I would have never forgiven you.
I would have always beaten myself up.
I would never have the life I have now.
I would never have the friends I have now.
I would never have the happiness I have now.
If we were still together, I would still never have you.
Currently listening:Songs of Love and HateBy: Leonard CohenRelease date: 07 February, 1995
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