matt is the most boring yet most enticing (Re-post)

i fell asleep on the train for the first time tonight.
office xmas party resulting in karaoke downtown and yet another near fist fight.
loving matthew has shown me that i can be a fighter but i really just want hugs and cuddles.


i need teddy bear paws and loves.


espionage reaches out to me once more, and for the first time in my life i'm able to own up to my feelings and simultaneously purge the negative from my sphere.
i am in love with shapes and colors. sounds and smells.
maybe muscle.

i am not so much a tactile person; i like texting.
my phone is gone - but it's not just a phone, ''it's a treo''.
gay gay bashing.

i love working in advertising.
we don't just sell people what they didn't know they might have wanted. we wonder what it feels like for a girl.

i don't think i've ever been so satisfied with my life.
i don't think i've ever been so hungry for what i had but threw away. continents and foreskins separate the memories.

i am in love with a man i might (n)ever have. i wish he would just reach out to me instead of making me pine and wait and know and pine and love and cry and wish and dream of him and wake up hard. i wish his face was on my dick again.

honesty i've found is the best and worst medicine. it is also the deadliest and most effective weapon. knives are my favorite. swords work too.

shivering is an expectation of the next moments, and sighs are a disappointed farewell. in turn, breathing is simply a prolongation of life.

matter matters nothing.

who we are is all we are.

and we all know who we are.

i am in love

Currently listening : Unrest By Erlend Oye Release date: 11 February, 2003

Thankful Living (Re-post)

My dad just told me not to do "gay shit" on this computer, with a tone that said "test me."

I thought I would be so happy to get away from the city, have some time off work, and get away from a recent breakup. I guess in a way I AM thankful today: thankful I made the choices I have made to get to where I am; that I moved to New York despite my fears and concerns of all the people who swore I was making a huge mistake.

Seeing a small handfull of friends back here in the Midwest has been great, and somehow I have for the most part seen/hung out with everyone I wanted to. My oldest and best friends have shown me that you can still be close with people even though you don't get to talk much. And that you can always pick up where you left off. They have also shown me that I am still the same old guy but just grown up a bit. And apparently that my attitude has grown a bit more abrasive. They have shown me that I'm not a bad person or a loser or any of the things that people who are just trying to hurt/use/manipulate/control me might say. I'm still the funny kid who wore 40-inch-bottom-pants, I'm still the one who took your virginity, I'm still the one who you drove around with bored out of your mind.

The last year-and-a-half in NYC has made me see myself in a more realistic and forgiving new light. I have a much better sense of how strong and fiercely independent I am. How insanely competitive and stubborn I am. I see how strongly I want a loving, lasting, healthy ("issue" and drama-free) relationship. I see how simple I am and can be. It surprises me how easy to please I am. How sensitive and caring I am. I see how easily hurt I am, and how impatient I am to find acceptance and love. I see how much I obsess. My embarassments line up right next to my achievements.

I am thankful for my family; I did miss them, and I do love them dearly, but I am glad to have gotten away from their constant pointless bickering, elevated speaking voices, strained nagging, and side-mouthed judgements. After settling on the east coast, the good-old-fashioned Midwestern ignorance I numbed to earlier now shocks the shit out of me. The fashion is a whole other topic for discussion which I won't bother touching other than to say in Indiana, fat is the new black.

The past few days have shown me how deeply emotional of a person I am. My emotions surrounding guys and past relationships are so complex and crippling, deep down I know I'm not ready to give it another go because I am still hurting so much after all these years, loves, faces, cocks. It's just so fucked up, and it makes me want to tear my eyes out, but I realize how impossible it is for me to let go of the past. Dually, I am immensely frustrated by the fact that though I realize how much my life has taken a more responsible, positive shape in the last year, I still feel the need for reassurance and validation - either from guys, or from work, strangers, or all of the above. I still feel so lost!!! But ultimately, I guess I've been standing solid on the feeling that I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, and live any way I want. Life is too short to be always thinking about how others will perceive you/your actions. The last year has shown me that despite the growing pains and heartbreaks and scares, I still come out ME, and a stronger person with a better sense of who they are and where they are going.

Upon my return, I hope to keep things going with my job, get the promotion, and be open to new opportunities. I want to focus on all things social and domestic - my home and my friends, and getting more involved with activities I love like DJing/producing, German, cooking, writing. I've been in New York long enough now to know you don't get anywhere by staying in your apartment feeling sorry for yourself. It's not a raging pity party at my place, but there's definitely a rut-like trend I see after looking at three failed NYC "relationships", and just the general state of affairs in which I currently find myself. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. I've been in limbo for a while now... things are gaining momentum but they just need some time.

I want to go home and start giving myself the love I've been looking everywhere for except in my own heart. It's so cheesy and cliche, I know... but it's true. I need to have a memorial for the idealized figures of my past, say a prayer for the future, and start living my life in a way that every day I wake up and am thankful for another shot to try it all over again.

Matthew, Andy, Victor, Matt, Chris, Tom, Jared, Art, and Nick - Thank you. This is for you.

My Vote for 2006 Album of the Year (Re-post)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Turnaround (Re-post)

The five of them entered the restaurant loudly, like usual, and moved like traffic towards the bar.
Joshua could get a clear view of them from where he was posted.
Within moments, they all had martinis or highballs and were toasting for someone's 27th birthday. It was the girl in the long gold dress.
"That dress probably cost more than my car," he thought to himself.
He had seen them so many times, but never this closely. And he never felt the jealousy he now felt so accutely. In his heart, perhaps he just wanted to be like them. But reality made him daily aware of the fact that he would never sit among their ranks.
Or could he?
He wondered what it would take to be friends with them. How closely knit they were...
Could he simply befriend one and the others would sheepishly follow, or would he have to get to know each of them, and flatter them, and surprise them, and impress them most of all?
Thomas spoke up.
"Class is what distinguishes us from the vagabond on the street. If I see someone at a club and I notice an Hermes tie or maybe he's in a Gucci tuxedo at an opening - whichever - I know this man is not under me."
The others nodded.
Joshua knew it would be easier than expected.
His dad's restaurant was making less and less. Josh had nothing to lose. He had no status. He had no dignity. He had no wealth.
Even though they were but five people, they could be considered a staple to any small business trying to break even and establish themselves in one of the most cutthroat restaurant markets in the world.
But beyond the restaurant, and his father's sinking debt, Josh knew that these five were the ticket out. With his father's fading health along with his dwindling resources, Josh was forced to face the tough facts - and that meant coming up with a plan that would not only secure the family some stability, but which would propel him literally out of a blue collar, and into a set of Prada loafers.

Currently listening : Black Holes and Revelations By Muse Release date: 11 July, 2006

It's About Fucking Time, CDC! (Re-post)

So, apparently American health care is starting to take its head out of its own ass. The Centers for Disease Control issued a statement this week saying they believe all Americans ages 13-65 should be getting mandatory but voluntary regular routine HIV/AIDS tests.

Not only does this just "make sense", it will serve to de-stigmatize those living with HIV/AIDS, and give people who previously were too scared or ashamed to get tested the extra push they might have needed.

Of course many ignorant people have their arms raised in protest, but in all honesty, who cares? For too long AIDS has been considered a "gay" disease, and even though it is still more FREQUENT in gay males, this whole country is at risk.
Most importantly, we have the opportunity and the obligation to set the example for the rest of the world.

Stepping off soapbox now.

Read the article:
http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/09/21/cdc.test.ap/index.html

Currently listening : Sessions By Mark Farina Release date: 18 July, 2006

Time Out - London Sun Herald (Re-post)

This article is not only cool because the ad agency I work for gets mentioned often (JWT), but more so because it is an example that we as a society are ready to start talking about the ugly subject of how our work lives are inhibiting or even hurting our "other" lives, and the bigger analysis - What is valuable? What is the value of time?

The article is tiptoeing around the heart of the issue a bit, but if you read between the lines, especially the parts with Geoff Small, founder of "Slow" - a new venture to help people streamline their lives in accordance with their hearts' callings - you can see that people with a lot of power and money are beginning to say "What the hell am I doing?!? My job doesn't MEAN anything in the larger scheme of things!" and as a result, these same people are starting up their own journeys as entrepreneurs or teachers.

I also find the article cool because it fleshes out the human side to the animalistic beast we all think of when thinking of corporations and advertising in specific; it shows that advertising isn't just giving people something to chew on in order to sell a product or service they didn't know they wanted or needed... that ads can be something people WANT to spend time with.

Exciting stuff if you ask me.

Enjoy!

Time Out

, Sun Herald (London), by Alex May, August 27, 2006

Society

We put off happiness, neglect our families and pay a dog-walker - all so we can spend more time at the office in pursuit of a better life. Time has become so precious that advertisers are now trying to sell it to us.

John Churchill used to thrive on chaotic busy-ness, where a slow week meant working 70 hours. The result was that he was made partner in a law firm before he reached the age of 30. But it took its toll on his family life: for the first nine months of his daughter's life, he confesses, he only ever saw her asleep.

"Large organisations are prisons where the walls are built of money," says the former chairman of PricewaterhouseCoopers Legal. "People make trade-offs they will just do it for a while but it's hard to break out of."

Churchill gave up his fancy Sydney office in 2001, when "it just wasn't fun any more". "Now our family has a hobby," says the father of three. "We collect memories." He no longer talks about his career - his business card bears his name only; no job title - but he works pro bono, acts as a mentor and directs several company boards. "Every night, our family sits down for dinner and we take the phone off the hook," he says. "Sometimes dinner takes half an hour; sometimes it takes three hours."

Last year, after conducting polls throughout Europe, America and Australia, advertising agency JWT declared that time was the new currency. "People aren't sitting around trying to figure out what to spend their money on," spouts their research. "They're frantic deciding what to spend their time with." Nowadays, says the agency, the most powerful thing a marketer can offer any customer is the opportunity to save a minute or two.

"People rate time ahead of money," explains Craig Davis, JWT's chief creative officer, citing his company's finding that 88 per cent of Australians were happy to pay more money for any brand they identified as a "time-saver".

Davis

says it's not just lack of time that's stressing us out - it's the myriad choices we are offered. Should I buy a plasma TV or go on a holiday? Have children now or wait until after a master's degree? "When there is a lot of choice, there is pressure because every choice you make has an inverse cost in lost opportunity," says Davis. "If you sit and read the newspaper, that means you miss out on kicking a ball with your kids."

Advertisers have cottoned on to this by selling us the seductive illusion that we can buy not just status or sex appeal but time. Virgin Blue billboards promise more "you time" thanks to web check-in services. And Berocca's manufacturer declares we can "get more out of every day" as it shows us two girls popping a fizzy vitamin tablet and crossing four time zones in just one weekend.

Retail expert Anton van den Berg, who works for consumer research giant ACNielsen, points out that even with a declining birthrate, disposable nappies have increased in sales and breath-freshener strips that make it possible to sweeten your mouth without stopping, chewing or gargling are now a $10 million segment of the market. "Three years ago, that market didn't exist."

Now that marketers battle for a share of our time rather than plain old vanilla market share, could visions of relaxation and time to spare replace the seductive images of sex and status that advertising has relied on to flog us products? "I don't know if time will ever be as powerful as sex at selling things," Davis says. Although he does wonder whether even sex has become a victim of time poverty. "I bet it has gone the way of cooking. What used to be a slow-cooked meal is now a zap in the microwave."

Former corporate high-flyer Geoff Small - who has worked in retail, banking and advertising - says there is a good reason the advertising industry wants us to treat time as a precious, dwindling commodity: "People feel they need to entertain themselves all the time so they consume more than people who are taking life easy."

Small admits he used to be "addicted to speed", running companies that ate giant chunks of his time and sent him on crazy missions such as flying to Munich for the day. Even in his time off, "my to-do list used to read like 15 volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica," he says.

Social researcher Clive Hamilton agrees. "Even our leisure activities have been commodified," says the economist and executive director of the Australia Institute. "All the 'take a break - you deserve it' ads, with men and women walking along a beach with their cuffs rolled up. The powerful message is that you have to engage in expensive activities, then go back to your hectic life just to pay for a snatch of leisure time. It's absurd. Why not take it easy in the first place?"

As British marketing consultant Simon Gulliford points out, "Work used to be a place you went but now it's what happens when you open your eyes in the morning and look at your mobile phone. It's why people like me find it makes business sense to actually hire a driver so that I can work while I am stuck in traffic."

He says the on-hold messages, time-robbing bank forms, queues and inadequate public transport are the reason the iPod music player is so successful: "It turned time-robbing activities such as queuing up or catching trains into an opportunity. People feel in control of their lives when they are listening to their iPod."

For many people, the only way to feel less time-poor is to "downshift", by giving up a busy job or moving out of the city. "We have studied downshifters in detail and discovered that it's not just a matter of rearranging your time or earning less money," says Hamilton. "Downshifting is all about reclaiming time so that you aren't beset with obligations. The big obstacle people face is giving up the status that your job and money gave you."

Small concurs. "I think downshifting is a bad word because you 'up-shift' your quality of life when you do it," he says. Now working as a life educator, Small runs a program called Slow to teach people how to "find new meaning in just being who they are rather than what's on their business card".

Fabian Dattner, author and partner in Melbourne-based training company Dattner Grant, says Australians have never been richer nor more unhappy. (Australia Institute research has found that 30 per cent of full-time workers know they neglect their families but think it will be worth it in the end when they have more money; this is called "deferred happiness syndrome", with high- and middle-income households more likely to suffer from it than low-income earners.) "Life is not a ride to get off; it's a mind-set. Lift your head from the feed bin and if life is too complicated, start to say no," she says.

Small suggests throwing your wristwatch away and stop using the clock to dictate what you should be doing. "I also get people to draw up a list of all the things they want to achieve in your life - then focus on only one of them. Most people have 37 things they want to achieve, and that's impossible. One or two goals? That's possible."

Dr Adam Fraser, a Sydney-based workplace trainer, says slowing down is good in theory but incredibly difficult to achieve. "Because we are time-poor, we tend to give up the things we enjoy to get more time for work and family," he says. "But if you add something that gives you a sense of enjoyment - a musical instrument, charity work, whatever - that will juice you up and give you more energy."

Hamilton scoffs at the traditional business and workplace approach to time management. "All those tips to manage your life tell you to pay someone else to do your boring household tasks. That just shifts the pressure on to some other poor bugger," he says. "Paying people to walk your dog seems utterly pointless to me. Surely you get a dog so you can spend time with it."

Dattner says she is staggered by the number of people she sees walking dogs while talking on their mobile phones. "Dogs never fail to greet you with unbridled love," she continues. "This is a gift on your plate. Some people talk on the phone through their best moments."

MINUTE MANAGER

She writes books. She is a university administrator. She teaches evening classes. She has two children. She spends three hours a day cooking, cleaning and washing. She does voluntary work. She meditates. She paints. She is studying for a phD. She swims three times a week.

Meet Jennifer Brassel. She's busy but doesn't feel pressured. "Like everyone, I do get stressed from time to time. But I have an approach that works," says the author of romance novels such as Honour Bound.

The 48-year-old, who lives in Sydney, writes a daily to-do list after her morning meditation. "I get a sense of achievement if I have more than half the list scratched off by the end of the day; a completely done list makes me feel like I am in control of my life," Brassel says. But she is unfazed when she doesn't achieve all she sets out to do. "I don't feel guilty if I take a day off and sit on the couch. I allow myself to recharge."

Brassel says rather than think of the tasks she undertakes as a chore, she sees them as an opportunity to do something exciting and different. "I enjoy cooking. It's like a creative outlet for me and then I get to sit with my family and spend time with them," she says. "There is only one thing that I pay someone else to do because it doesn't help me relax and it's dull: ironing."

***************

Currently listening : So This Is Goodbye By Junior Boys Release date: 17 August, 2006

The Reconciliation: Part I (Re-post)

The Reconciliation

We decided we wanted to have a nice day together, and do something out of the ordinary. He thought we should rent a car, after we realized it was clearly too late to get any good sun at the beach. I disagreed, knowing how poor we both were. But it was to be an adventure; we were escaping.

The silly little black Kia Spectra left Hertz in midtown by Grand Central at 1:30 on Sunday. Slowly but surely the colorful Latino and black neighborhoods and projects replaced looming skyscrapers and precious luxury boutiques. Kids played basketball in a court on the edge of Central Park. Cyclists carried their bikes over their shoulders on their way into the city. The Hudson sparkled on the left as we made it over the George Washington Bridge, and then started traveling up the Palisades Parkway. The city became smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. LD and the New Criticism played on the stereo: seething bitterness and playful remorse; make fun of the ones you love, and spank yourself for being dumb enough to love them.

We packed a bowl, and with the city out of sight as we exhaled the thick swirling bluish smoke, we finally knew we were finally free for a time.

It just sort of happened about an hour and some change into our trip that I looked at the map he was carrying in his lap like an Egyptian tablet with hieroglyphics, and then realized we were traveling up the Appalachian Trail. Growing up, you always hear about the trail, and the settlers, and the American pioneers, but to see it is something else. And to fall upon/into it by chance is something else entirely. But we were excited at the prospect of making a real excursion out of this, and as I drove further and further up the mountain, we were determined to get the most out of our measly Kia.

Driving over the bridge and swerving up the tiny curvy road to Bear Mountain proved to be quite fun. The overlook was amazing, and what Im guessing was a glacial basin formed the cushiest, most inviting-looking blanket of foliage Ive seen in a long time. The tops of the trees swayed with the breeze, sandwiched by the soft brown mountain tops, and the rivers edge lapped at the shore seductively. Sun rays swept over the green like near-invisible feather dusters, making everything appear sharper and juicier. Clean.

We shared the moment without talking much, other than noticing how this was the normal thing for people on the East Coast to do get out of the city, see something, go home. We got kids ice cream from an obligatory truck that looked like Mister Softee but wasnt. There was also a hotdog cart that only confirmed our proximity to the city.

As I ate my frozen Scribbler that looked like a jumbo-sized crayon, I knew we had to press upward and onward. Continue on the Trail.

The odd little village of Highland Falls houses the ominous WestPoint Military Academy. It also protects and serves as a safe haven for stereotypical-looking, but unconventional-acting police officers. Leaving the compound I got turned around (literally) in a confusing interchange on the side of a cliff.

We had no idea where to go. I saw the flashing lights, and the officer was next to my window before my companion even realized we were being pulled over.

(Thick Northeastern accent) ''I pulled you over because you cut off the guy in front of me, and this is a really dangerous roundabout. We dont want accidents. Where are you going?''

''Sorry officer, were trying to figure that out, and I guess I wasnt paying enough attention to the road.''

''Because youre too busy suckin' on your daaaamn lollipop! Now just relax, Im not gonna give you a ticket. Where the hell do you want to go? You in the mood for a nice scenic view and perhaps some cocktails, boys?'' (emphasis on cock).

''Yes officer, that sounds lovely.''

''Well go here, here and here. Turn left here, continue on here. Just get the hell out of MY town. And be careful!''

''Thank you so much officer, we'll be more careful.''

He may as well have slapped me on the ass as we went on our way. He trailed us in his big SUV for a few minutes, and as we rolled out of Highland Falls at a leisurely pace of 35, the cop shop was on the right, and thankfully he pulled in as we kept going. Prolly wanted some coffee, or to share his tale of running into two popsicle-toting fags, stoned out of their minds back at the pass.

Currently listening : Creative Spaces By Inland Knights Release date: 29 May, 2001

The Town Crier Has Lost His Voice (Re-post)

Myspace sorta sucks now in regards to intellectual property (blogs and soforth), so some time soon I'm moving my blog - I just don't know where yet. I've been wanting to start up my own site to shamelessly self-promote, expose, revel in, and share my schnibbles of life ala the cultur/glitterati for some time now; this is the motivation I needed.

So, since we've been apart for so long, I know you're thirsty and hungry and bored, so here is my take on "Today's Specials."

1- What the FUCK is going on in the Middle East?

2- Again - What the FUCK is going on in the Middle East!?!?

3- Fresh Direct really IS good! I especially recommend the Curried Chicken Salad.

4- Manhattan is ridiculously expensive. And the scary thing is that it's only gonna get worse. We are all being squeezed out of this city by rich bitches who've had tons of plastic surgery and only live in their apartments for three weeks out of their jetset year. How's that for a class system? Though the majority of folks who live in NYC make decent money, we live at or below what would be considered poverty-level in other places in our fine country. The real shocker (thank you AM New York) is that the average apartment to own in Manhattan costs $1.3 Million (YES MILLION) dollars. And that's just the average guys. OK. That's enough to chew on regarding THAT.

5- The fucking heat wave can lick my balls. This Wisconsin boy misses wearing sweaters and boots and coats to hide in.

6- Love knocked on my fucking door, and I answered people. If you haven't noticed, I've somehow managed to date the same guy for almost 6 months now! La-ti-da.

7- Even after seeing Madonna (aka OLDFRAPP), Goldfrapp is STILL my obsession. To make things worse, they HAD to come back October 18th to promote their remix album "Glitter" (not to be confused with Mariah's horrible "movie"). The tickets are already purchased, so hopefully I'll see some peepz there other than that psycho ex I always run into at Irving Plaza (tit for tat, Zorba).

8- We are all dying. This is really precious and fragile. All with different end-times and shelf-lives. Enjoy it. Get ready for it.

9- We all know who our "REAL" friends are. This is becomming more apparent every day. Family DOES mean something, just not what we thought before (blood ties, wombs and circumcisions) - it's something more invisible and spiritual and not so physical and geneological (though those things DO figure in... just not as much as the other meatier stuff like soul groups, etc.).

10- Everything matters. Be wary and question anyone who tells you something is not a big deal or something is really THIS way, when your head and heart are screaming the opposite. People are liars, and will do anything to get their way (success, money, power, prestige, Prada, whatever).

11- Live and Let Live people. Live and Let Live.

Until the next installment (hopefully on a new and truly fabulous site!),

Corocet

Currently listening : The Eraser By Thom Yorke Release date: 11 July, 2006

Success and the People Who Forsake It (Re-post)

Hobo

Hipster

Hayseed

Homeless

Hot

Haggard

Humid

Holistic

Everything is talked about being cool and no one has anything to say except for what cool is. Often I want to be a vagrant on the street.

..

I see so many homeless in my daily life... I often misspell daily dailey. Why is that?

..

When I see them, I hear their pleas. I see their limps. I feel their war stories... The words!!! They drip from their mouths like blood from a wound, and the vampire I am licks it up. Kitty milk. Dont consider it a form of revelry.

..

This empathy/sympathy/pity/y/y/y HURTS. Every day I see the sign or a sign that says, I have liver disease. I got a job but I was fired after 2 days.

..

I am a black ninja.

..

I wont lie to you. Its for beer.

..

HOMO

..

This is where the attraction and the allure come in.

..

I feel it, and I hear it, and sometimes I smell it but a large part of me wants the street life 24/7 all the time and through all the pain... Do I deserve to be where I am?

..

I question my place, and what I really want out of this life and this place. But minute by minute I find myself saying Why the hell do any of us persist with this daily toil? Are we appreciated? Are we respected? Are we valued?

..

If the voice of a leper woman from Europe has the power to make me cry, is that not a sign my urge to sing and make music is dying to take over? Its silly.

..

All I think, and all I love, and all I yearn is music, travel, love, and fashion. The music and the fashion and the philosophy all melt together in the heat and quickness, and still I find myself avoiding and procrastinating with my craft.

..

I know I am meant to do it, but I almost flirt with it knowing that its the one I will marry, so before I put the ring on, I want to play the field for a while.

..

..

I moved here to make music. I am coming up on my 1-year anniversary living in Manhattan. New York City. New York, New York.

..

That anniversary is June 25^th. It is 5 days before my parents 27-year anniversary. 20 days after my 26^th birthday.

..

Delightful.

..

Another year on the streets.

..

*$9!

..

Corocet

Currently listening : Élan Vital By Pretty Girls Make Graves Release date: 11 April, 2006

The Freedom Act of 2006 - F.O.F.F.A. (Re-post)

"In a river the color of lead
Immerse the baby's head.
Wrap her up in the news of the world.
Dump her on a doorstep girl.

Oh this night has opened my eyes,
and I will never sleep again.

You kicked and cried
like a bullied child.
A grown man of 25.
Oh he said he'd cure your ills
but he didn't and he never will.

Oh save your life
because you've only got one.

The dream has gone
but the baby is real.
Oh you did a good thing.

She could have been a poet
or she could have been a fool.
Oh you did a bad thing.

And I'm not happy and I'm not sad.

A shoeless child on a swing
reminds you of your own again.
She took away your troubles.
Oh, but then again, she left pain.

Oh PLEASE save your life because you've only got one..." (the Smiths)


Camus basically said slavery is necessary, or else no one would know what to do. We need masters and bosses in order to have SOMETHING to serve. If we can't serve our own purposes, we need to find someone whose purposes are in accordance with our own and serve theirs. In many ways I agree with him, but once again if it came to semantics, I think the presentation of his philosophies, and as a result the ideas themselves, are dated/premature. But as an innovative writer/philosopher/revolutionary, one often must say MORE than what one means in order to ignite change or in order for less extreme versions of your views to be adopted into the mainstream consciousness.

When we are fetuses, we are slaves to the womb. Born, we are slaves to our parents and teachers. Adult, we are slaves to love and "bosses."

That said, I have taken my indentured servitude elsewhere. I'll be a slave to something or other for the rest of my life (dick, music, writing, the pursuit of _____) but I think I'm getting better at choosing my master.

This week has been a personal molt with proportions so grand and ever-unfolding I can't even begin to describe. This entry will be a bit (or completely, depending on how ego-centric you are or how ego-centric you view me to be) journal-y. Sorry for the lack of interactivity folks, I just need to wax on wax off and I get there through writing. So if you think my life is boring or lame or that I'm masturbating while writing this, then go elsewhere. But I think my words and experience might ignite a lightbulb, or perhaps make someone break something themselves... or like me - put an end to the bullshit relations in their lives and start enjoying them again, and for that reason I write despite the lack of your participation directly or indirectly in this particular instance. There will also be those who read this who actually DID indirectly participate in the Emancipation of Mikey, and in turn the release of Corocet. And you will all know who you are, precious things. I thank you for your contribution to my exodus, and I bid you good day (and good life).

The decision to cut out certain fixtures in my life was indeed difficult. It wasn't until after cutting said things and people out that I realized how much grief and emotional/spiritual energy the ongoing maintenance of said interpersonal relationships were inflicting upon my lightening frame in any dimension. Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back, I am so happy I had the courage and wits to give up on trying to make friendships and certain aspiring notions WORK.

It's not like I didn't know these things were addictive or that they were hurting me more than helping. Or if not hurting, not doing ANYTHING for ANYONE. But still we kept up the rouse. I ask why!?! Well, it's that in giving up an irrepairable broken friendship or lack thereof, I feared seeing myself as a failure. And not just a failure in that instance of schism, but perceived as a moral and interpersonal failure. Sounds crazy, right? And it is! But when you have someone you love(d) and RESPECTED telling you what a horrible person you are, it sort of hits home. That teamed with the fact that perception is reality, nobody wants to be looked down upon.

As an advocate for peace and tolerance, the idea of a world with undying feuds and bitter adversarial relationships really hurts me on a soul level. Real pain. Ouchies! If the "relationship" really just consists of the silent treatment being tossed about like a ball in a tennis court, it really does break my heart. I have always hated the idea of throwing people away. Friends, lovers, the person who cuts my hair. I know well the anguish and despair that's anxiously waiting in the wings of your heart after being told by someone you care about that they simply and succinctly don't want you in their life.

The whole last two years of my life has been almost primarily focused on "fixing" (by accepting and forgiving) the wounds suffered after the end of an unhealthy relationship. It seems this fluff (and sometimes cancerous) extraction marks the end of my transition, and the beginning of the life I moved here for, and on the flip side have been waiting to come to me for a year now. I now see and accept that sometimes letting go is necessary. Often it is. And that letting go of something too tired, proud, fragmented or broken is better than persisting with a vehicle that was pretty much faulty to begin with.

Self-preservation verses Sainthood? I used to think so. But now I know that I can not only be a saint, but also look out for myself and my own well-being. That's the beauty of living in a reality system of duality. That's how all of us (but especially I) can be such a contradiction in terms when reviewing our behaviors, opinions, and quirks.

So in short, Fuck OFF Assholes!

Love,
Corocet

Currently listening : Hatful of Hollow By The Smiths Release date: 09 November, 1993

Astrally Speaking, Of Course (Re-post)

It's time again for a suppository blog insertion by yours truly, Corocet.

Do I speak of the lovely New York Spring? The tree pollen so high I could propell a small hovercraft with my sneezing gusto. But really, it is quite beautiful here right now. Floating above the city one could see a slight haze beginning to form, especially on a day like today. Standing behind a bus, or waiting in a crowded elevator, one really gets the sense of how fast it's going to be sweltering hot. We have to enjoy this while it lasts folks, because in a month, we'll all be complaining about the stench-filled streets and whinging over our "why-the-fuck-doesn't-this-shit-work!?!" roll-on deodorants. Personally, second to fall (maybe even tied), Spring has been my favorite season so far in the city.

Do I dare speak of my blossoming theory that James Iha of Smashing Pumpkins fame is going to be this summer's "Itgirl" for Manhattan nightlife and bar culture? I see his blond-gone-bad Asian ass ALL OVER THE PLACE. Almost always downtown (in my neighborhood), almost always somewhere borderline but not-quite mainstream, and always with a confused Keanu kind-of look on his face. It's so sexy and random I think if he simply cashes in on his elusive/everywhere thing he's obviously got going on, he could make a mint.

Do I talk about how reading Albert Camus' The Fall has made me that much more excited about life, and about society's (and in turn my own personal) evolution? His words have a timeless quality about them, yet at the same time they date his philosophies. Here's a quote I loved: "You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question." Another: "No man is a hypocrite in his pleasures".

Maybe I'll discuss my dreams. After fighting with my Self, my enemies, family, and friends - waking myself up screaming though tears - I wake up feeling like I've truly said my piece, nobody wins, and we all just move on with our lives. Pretty heady shit, and I'm not talkin' 'bout no Devil weed. But maybe I should? Ah who cares, weed is pretty boring when it comes down to it.

Maybe I'll talk about my obsession with Stargate SG-1. I tell myself it's based on truth, because it validates my own experiences, but moreover - imagining a world without alien life is too damn depressing. I know personally that alien life exists, but what I don't know is if they are here to help us or enslave us. That sentence may strike some of you as a joke or plain crazy. But as a college graduate, and as a sane, working professional, I swear to all of you reading this right now: my experiences are real (read "Kundalini Activation" in my blog's archive if you don't already believe).

Aliens are here. They can look like us. They can sound like us. And they are watching. As of yet, there is no danger in sight... only an anxious sense of mutual curiosity. But with world affairs in the loveless state they are in right now (Moussaoui told a court filled with people "America lost. I won."), who knows how much faith our alien counterparts have in our ability to handle technology and knowledge responsibly. This is why I love SG-1, and sci-fi in general - because it embraces the notion that man is not the pinnacle (of God's creation), nor the epicenter of the Galaxy. That we have not ARRIVED, and that culturally and technologically we are mere babies - zygotes - in comparison to some of the more advanced alien races that exist in the Universe and whose representatives are already on the same dirt you shovel in your garden, and whose ships watch and wait in the same skies you look at when you wish on stars. While this may sound paranoid circa 12 Monkeys to some, I patiently and positively assure you - I am not afraid of anything (except maybe not living up to my own personal potential), and I am not saying these things to you for any reason other than I think more people need to start waking up to the changing tide around them! Are we as people obligated to fight for truth and spread that word? Are we supposed to enjoy subjugation? Or perhaps are we too concerned with monetary success and the quest for power? You thought the tsunami was crazy?! Wait till First Contact!!! Wait till the aorta of humanity (the common man) gets informed through network and corporate media about who the Annunaki were, and their role in our planet's history.

There is so much to talk about in life that it's a wonder any of us can open our mouths and string together a cohesive thought/phrase/sentence at all. How, and I think more imporantly WHEN will the rest of us realize that linearness is sort of like a red herring in a novel!?! We think it's all about TIME, when time is really just a scene or a setting to color and provide a kind of frame.

I think I'll just talk about nothing. What do YOU think???



Currently listening : Film School By Film School Release date: 24 January, 2006

C_O_R_O_C_E_T (Re-post)

C
curious cootchie cove catch copulate conspicuously conquer cite costly conspiracies convince concepts continue conception coerce creativity cohabitate connive corrupt corrode cum complete contrive contrast conceal consume consummate con co-dependency congeal consider cooperate contain careful care consult carefully cast collide conspire children considerations
O
orate on oscillating orchards of oleander or over oblique obelisks obsolete operation obstructions obstruct obvious oracles other overheard options onward
R
rather rent revolt rest retire recoupperate resuscitate revive roll run red raid revel raise ride relish remain repair rethink redeem rub rush relax revolutionize rip return reduce replay reveal really rancid raking roaming
O
oh! oh? oh.
C
contagious cup-like calypso cootie cavern canned
E
evolving everything entails exposing exclusive eschalons enough entirity even expells edgy elusive eels enter ebbs escalation expanding easy entrails extra expedited elbow
T
touch try teeth telling television toms total top to tread truth towards totality tuberous toughies thatch thistles take tastle tours tummy treachery tempt testy time

*************************************************************************



Currently listening : True Colors By Cyndi Lauper Release date: 25 October, 1990

OverHead in New York (Re-post)

I just got back from running my usual 3-4 miles on FDR. I was listening to this new band a good friend (and fellow house dj) turned me on to. It just goes to show house djs, the good ones anyways, DO know their music... and djs in general are great at recommending things to people and crowds that they may love but would have never found had that dj not introduced them to it.

The sun was making the river on my right glimmer and shine. The air tasted salty and dirty. Birds flew overhead. Helicopters took off and landed right in front of me, and the unique smell of the fuel gagged me momentarily. Sweat beads formed above my eyes. A man jumped rope on a granite slab facing the river, Queens and Brooklyn. I finished, crossing 14th st. in a huff. C to B.5 is my cool-down.

Anyways, the band is called Love is All, and they are infectious. Combine what's good about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, !!!, and Broken Social Scene. I would say Animal Collective too, but I'm mad at them because I just bought some shitty side project cd for 9 bucks and wanted to throw it out the window after listening to the 50 minutes of droning drivel. Rarely does that listening experience happen to me; usually even when I'm only MILDLY aware of what I'm buying it turns out to be enjoyable on some level. But not this cd. So I won't say there are good things about Animal Collective right now. I will just nod to them, off in the corner I put them.

So I get back from running, and I saw my gmail notifier was fatter than when I left him. He's hungry, I swear! I don't mean maybe! And as I click Inbox, I am shocked to read this:

As you may have seen on Overheard in New York, I was informed this
morning that I am no longer affiliated with the site. If you don't know
me, I'm the guy who edited the entries and wrote all the headlines.

I have launched NewYorkOverheard.com. Same Overheard, less overhead.
It's the same thing you and I have built and loved. If you have any
links, please change and please _spread the word_.

An explanation is forthcoming, and will appear on the site.

PS OverheardAtCollege.com is live, too!

Yours,
Michael Malice
Editor, New York Overheard

******************************

I couldn't believe it!!! I love this site. Coincidentally, an entry I submitted two weeks ago made it on the site ON ITS LAST DAY with the wonderful and amazing Michael Malice as its Editor-in-Chief.

If you're not familiar with OverheardinNewYork.com, check it out. I always get a laugh out of it, no matter how crummy a mood I'm in. It also shows you just how "colorful" the city we live in is, and how often people are really talking and thinking the same thing.

I guess it just got too big for him to handle. I wish him the best of luck, and you bet your ass my submissions (cuz dude - I hear a LOT of crazy shit) are going to NewYorkOverheard.com instead from now on.

Lovely,
Miffed,
Corocet

Currently listening : Born Free Forever By Bobby Birdman Release date: 06 May, 2003

Throw 4 I Love Yous (Re-post)

The first "I love you" we ever hear is probably from a parent. Usually a mother.
Then we might hear it from a sibling or a relative or a close family friend.
A time comes when we start hearing "I love you"s all over the place.
Our friends are saying it.
Our mouths are saying it.
Our hearts are screaming it.
Our crotches burn with it.
Eventually we say "I love you" and mean it in a way we've never meant it before.
Magical first.
Desperate hunger.

***************************

I've been seeing someone for almost a month now.
There have been no "I love you"s, and I don't see them coming any time soon.
But it's no more or less there than any other situation I've been in prior to this. It's just quieter.

If anything, the unspoken "I love you" is there more because there is a sense of excitement, wonder, and anxiousness. The "I love you" is not thrown like a ventriloquist's voice.
What nervous joy to contemplate the ultimate surprise (and yes love), when someone has love to confess. What a gift. What a miracle.

********************************

I think of my mother. A woman with a sharp tongue, an at times scathing demeanor, and
a heart of gold. She says "I love you" at the end of every conversation, in person or on the phone. But the "I love you" is always a closer, a conclusion... never a focal point.

I don't know if I like the "I love you" as an afterthought. I want the "I love you" in the middle of a funny story, or after you pick me up when I fall on my face, as I am wont to do. Maybe this is fucked. My life is lived in a never-ending climax kind-of-way, therefore I guess it's only natural my desires and yearnings follow that curve.

************************************************************

The most significant love of my life doesn't speak to me any more. What's crazy is that I love him more than I did when I was with him. But that's how I'm wired. Perhaps I idealise the past; I do idealise the past. When "I hear I love you" I want to hear it forever. I don't want it for a few years and then have it taken away. I want it to breathe and live and change and grow and eventually, with me, expire. It's not that I believe in a "One" for everybody. I do think love is about commitment - to each other, and to the relationship more than anything. It is about experiencing life with somebody. And even if you're not fucking that person any more, up until almost 2 years ago, I have always found it very simple to maintain loving and powerful friendships with exes.

Obviously I have moved on. I've moved on in so many ways and changed so much I often feel like I've metaphorphed in a very Kafka kind-of-way... complete with the revelations, the epiphanies, and the resolve. But I still can not give up this silly human desire to love and be loved. To deny it would surely kill me! I've come so far, and I feel as if I've just begun.

Stardom, Rejection, Veto Power; Satire and The Insatiable Need for Approval (Re-post)

Last night

1.
New York City. Chelsea. XL. America's Next Porn Idol. My roommate and friend Everett went because our friend Derek (*69 Records) was the makeshift Simon Cowell in the D/E-List panelist of "celebrity" judges.

2.
Living rooms worldwide. Fox. American Idol was seen in tens (hundreds?) of millions of homes around the world. Mandisa rocked the party fo' sho', but Catherine (whom my friends and I lovingly call "Nanny") McPhee totally brought up the rear.


Today

1.
New York City. Avenue of the Americas. UBS Warburg. 1 pm. Interviewed for a position I didn't really want, but knew they would want me for as soon as I walked into the office and sat down. Even though I had no interest in the nature of the position or even the field, I wanted a group of strangers' approval SO fiercely I could taste it. As soon as I knew they wanted me and were willing to pay for me, I began slipping in addages and stories I knew they would be tickled by or interested in enough to ask me a follow-up question about.

2.
New York City. My bedroom. 4 pm. Read somebody on Myspace's blog who has this experiment to go on 75 dates or something, and write about each guy/date. At first glance (date 1) I thought this was sort of an original idea. But by date 13 (current date), I really see this blog for what it is - a half-assed and rather lame attempt to stealthily justify promiscuity! Not only in hindsight does this poor bloggist seem like a whore, he relies on an HBO character's writing style to deliver his self-perpetuating cart of rat manure. I don't care how fabulous you think your New York life is, or how great you think your "snarky" style of writing is, YOUR LIFE IS NOT SEX IN THE CITY YOU STUPID FAGGOT. Get a clue, get a style, and then let's talk!

***

From American Idol and America's Next Top Model, to the growing trend of blogging, it's fast become obvious to me now that we are a culture obsessed with judging others. Many people are not blogging or contestants on American Idol or ANTM because they LOVE writing, or love singing, or LOVE modeling (!?!?), but instead they are there for VALIDATION and status. It's like blogs are the new Dior Handbag or Jimmy Choo sandals.

I feel like there is this elephant in the room nobody wants to acknowledge but we all know is there - swinging trunk, floppy ears, fear of mice, and everything! If we deny it, it doesn't exist, right?!? WRONG!

My sole intention in practicing my craft (writing and music) has never been to become famous or because I approval sought. Sure, praise and come-uppins are GREAT. Amazing record sales or getting picked up by a literary agency would definitely make me feel like I've made steps in realizing my dual dreams... but alas, I know that my insatiable need to CREATE will never be qualmed or quieted by a blue ribbon in ANY competition. Even if I was the winner of some TV beauty pageant. I am my biggest competitor, and I have only myself to deny or celebrate, and I think that goes for all of us.

My plea is for love. We need to put more love and care into our crafts. If you feel the need to create, do not create out of emulation (though inspiration is often found through mimisis)... create to interact! Give your fellow man (sorry girls) a REASON to think about your product in a way that engages them and perhaps even inspires THEM to create something.

It's like those HORRIBLE fake Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts that were going around Wal-Marts in the 90s, or the miles of tables of fake Louis Vuitton handbags lining the streets of midtown and Canal Street. Everyone know's that it's fake, contrived crap. Maybe the people who bought them didn't... but there will always be people like that - the people who buy the fake shit for status because they can't afford the real deal, the people who vote for the Kellie Picklers or "the next Carrie Bradshaw"s.

Well I'll be the first to say - I DON'T WANT YOUR ADORATION. REJECT ME. I love it if you love me, but I really don't care if your lame ass thinks I or my work for that matter suck. Because people like you simply do not know how to think. For yourself, or anyone else let alone me.

When I read or listen to music I want to feel engaged, not like I have a ticket to see an ugly guy jerking off in the front seat from the back of a really ghetto silver 80's stretch limousine. GET ME THINKING. Don't just put your stupid and confusing shit on me, cuz I don't want it! I have my own to (not) make sense of, and to be honest - your shit de-inspires me and takes away my faith in humanity.

NOTICE something. Ask for guidance. Plead. Scream. Just please don't sit there masturbating and expect me to watch and wait until you're finished. Cuz I'll be gone, and by the time you get your clothes on, my shit will be in Times Square above the steaming Cup-O-Noodles. And by the way - your new handbag sucks.

Currently reading : Do You Suck as Well as Fuck? Totally Sexed Up Tales of J. Edgar Hoover's America By Ken Ichigawa Release date: December, 2005

The NO NO Place - Courtesy E.T.Verett (Re-post)

My dog has cancer. He's almost 5 and he'll be dead before he's 6.

It's the year of the dog; transition, rebirth, renewal.

Controller. Controller is a really whatever band.

They remind me of a similarly-forgotten troupe: The Strokes, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs... annnnnnnnd though some would cheer "Clap Your HANDS!!!!" NOOOOOO!!!

CONTROLLER. CONTROLLER *puke in mouth a little*

So.... I think

The Boy Least Likely To

and

LD and the New Criticism (after drinkin' it up with LD tonight at Phoenix)

ARE THE BEST CDS of ages.


Good

Night

(and good luck)

**************** FASHION KILLS

Currently listening : Best Party Ever By Boy Least Likely To Release date: 19 July, 2005

It's All Four Du (Re-post)

sorry to be a disappointment Ladies... but sometimes Korean or Japanese really isn't THE BEST.

The Asians have the best intentions, but the road to hell is paved with such... the Olympics can only back a pack. Chinese figure skating pelvic-crunchers can only my point support.



Oh Zhang Dan and Zhang Hao - Silver medals are what I speak of here, when tasty tuna and succulent wasabi combine to make supah-gay-c-o-c-k-z-e-e-r-a-a-h. Feeeeeels sooooo goooooood.

I just ate an egg roll from a chinese place that's so authentic I've eaten dog.

I wish you were here to cuddle and nonsense and shush and hush me in to nothingness.

O I wish you were here to stick your finger in my mouth and stuff me full of silence... until I can tell tale no more.

Stick it.

It's time, boy.

You.

Me.

Night.

Now.

Currently reading : Edgar Allan Poe: Selected Works, Deluxe Edition By Edgar Allan Poe Release date: 03 October, 1990

Closure: Forever Sentimental (Re-post)

Of course I thought of silly old you this weekend. How could I not? Geographically speaking, it was the closest we'd been in many months. Emotionally I've never felt farther away from someone.

Surprisingly you didn't come up as much as I thought you would. Of course you came up, but honestly not too much. It was an unexpected, though welcome phenomenon.

What was interesting was how visiting the old haunts and seeing the old faces made me miss my life here. I missed what I've so passionately and energetically created for myself on this crazy island of freaks and fools.

The weekend got me thinking about a lot of things. I thought that perhaps going home might bring you back out from the shadowy corners of my heart's attic, but really and if anything, it sealed the attic door even tighter, and gave me more closure than any five or twenty frustrating conversations with you would ever do... now or a year ago.

If we were still together, I never would have moved to New York.

I would have never seen Rip Taylor in front of my office.
I would have never seen Ethan Hawk from 3 feet away.
I would have never attended that party in the Rainbow Room.
I would have never gotten drunk with Boy George.
I would have never worked on photo shoots.
I would have never gone to chic chic industry parties.

I would have never had those central park picnics.
I would have never memorized the subway system and all of Manhattan's neighborhoods.
I would have never known how amazing New York is in the fall.

I would have always felt like less.

I would have never realized how much I actually loved someone *you*.
I would have never felt like I'd done something by myself.

I would have never loved you forever.

I would have never gone crazy.
I would have never come back to myself.

I would have never understood you better by being with someone else.
I would have never forgiven you.
I would have always beaten myself up.

I would never have the life I have now.

I would never have the friends I have now.

I would never have the happiness I have now.

If we were still together, I would still never have you.



Currently listening:Songs of Love and HateBy: Leonard CohenRelease date: 07 February, 1995

New York vs. Relationships (Re-post)

This city turns people into sluts. Glorified hookers.

You move here and are dickwhipped by the sheer amount of hot people everywhere. They could be in the deli buying avocados or at the cafe getting a really lame drink. The point is, it's hard not to see someone you want to fuck or would at least consider taking them home if you were drunk.

In my experience the first couple months here are a hot and sweaty mess of bedhopping, condoms, and weird "dates." A lot of sex is had, but to what end (IN which end is clear). Other fags I know have the notches in their bed post to match this common lifestyle.

I won't speak of the health risks associated with promiscuous sex (there are many), but I want to dissect the issue a bit.

After a couple months of such "fun", I broke. Single for over a year, I grew weary of the meaningless trysts and romp-and-pomp couplings. And don't get me wrong - I had many one-night stands in Indianapolis AND New York. There have even been two boys here who had my heart, but both somehow managed to shatter my trust or simply make me feel like shit. And though I love falling in love, and love having a boyfriend even more, I refuse to settle for something that feels wrong, or for someone who does't treat me how I know I deserve to be treated.

Why do so many guys here have the attitude of "I can be a dick and a slut and do or say whatever I want, because there will always be someone out there to move on to" ?
Why do so many guys think being a jerk is cute or sexy?
Why do so many guys talk the talk, but when it comes down to it they never do what they say they're going to do?

People here are great at spinning and mincing words. It's so easy to say you like something, or you had a good time, or you've "never felt this way before", but it's a lot harder to show me how much you care about me, or how you are actually listening to half of the stupid shit I talk about or am intereseted in at any given moment.

Now we're gonna get deeper.

I think the New York "blinders" have a large part to do with this - that people are so wrapped up in their own minds and experience that they cannot "take their eyes off the prize." It seems everyone wears these blinders - when they're walking down the street, when they're in line at a bar, when they're shopping for groceries, and especially in the transport system. Practical and cautionary, yes perhaps... but also cold, unreactive, and compassionless.

I believe these blinders affect how people get to know each other too, but in a less obvious way. We self-sabotage, we don't allow ourselves to FEEL for someone. We don't allow ourselves to be loved. We turn off emotions we think might end up hurting us. We fight. We fast. And we yearn.

I say it's high time to make a little more eye contact. Let go of the words, and embrace your fellow man. The blinders are really quite unnecessary if you think about it. We can all walk and chew gum at the same time. This is not unlike that. So stop waiting for the next best thing. Stop looking around the corner. And start fostering the relationships that make you a little scared of yourself. Nurture the feelings you fight away because they make you feel like you're falling out of control. Love yourself, and try to love someone else. Try to let someone else love you.

I love this city, but I refuse to conform to some of its inhabitants ways. I want to fall in love, and I'm ready to be loved again. I'm open to whatever the universe sends my way.

Currently listening : Vauxhall and I By Morrissey Release date: 22 March, 1994

Same As It Ever Was (Re-post)

Saturday 1/24/98

I'm better now, but 24 minutes ago, I smelled like a used firecracker, and coins going into a piggybank were the loudest most invading noises I have ever heard in my whole life. Tonight was weird.

Tuesday 1/27/98

Well last night I asked Joy why she told me she loved me. She said "because you're superb." And went on to tell me how she sometimes wants to be with me instead of Luke. I started crying and said "well I'm rather shaken, and I'm going to go to bed now." And she said "Wait a minute. I just don't want to give you up." And I said "You gave me up a long time ago, Joy." And then I said goodnight. And she did too, but said it so quietly as if it was so small it didn't exist.
Last night I also rented Beautiful Thing, and I cried at the 1st scene. Then I stopped. But the last scene when they dance together to "Dream a Little Dream" I started bawling and couldn't stop.
Right now, I am sitting in a room with no windows because I was going to ditch SRT (Homeroom) with Liz and Marissa and Laura and some other girl. I had parked up top in the teachers' lot and we were getting into the car when a dean stopped us. Fuck. So, because we were "good kids", he only took away our travel priveleges during SRT. But for me, because I was the driver, he gave me an in-school suspension, which is bullshit. He also called my dad. I hope I get to go out this weekend.
This lady just said to one of the other boys in here "Dan, don't even think about going to sleep in here now, darlin'." Cunt. She's playing solitaire on her computer. I think I remember seeing it on the screen when I walked in, but more than anything, I recognize the incessant clicking of her fat fingers on the new mouse.
My mom's a solitaire fiend too you know. Fuck this.
My co-conspirator Liz is here with me now. Marissa and Laura just got sent back to their classes. "Dan" just asked for a pair of scissors. Somebody please shoot me.
I'm having flashbacks to 6th and 7th grade when I had detention after detention, and in-school suspension at least once a month.
Oh God. Let me out!
I'm going to stop for now and pretend that I'm a lice on that fat bitch's ass. Oh wait. Now I think I'm going to vomit. The things I get myself into. le sigh. More later I suppose.

Currently listening : Infinite Love Songs By Maximilian Hecker Release date: 21 August, 2001

Breaking Up Is As Easy As 1 2 3 (Re-post)

Through the surprise. Through the bitterness. Through the tears. Through the anger. Onto the mourning. Onto the death. Into the rebirth. Into the Discovery. Into your Self.

I give you my musical prescription for moving beyond failed relationships, and getting back in touch with your Self.

I give you 123 songs that put you through the necessary ringer, only to bring you out of the drier fluffier and better-smelling.


Sand River 3:49 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season
The Ordinary Boys 3:10 Morrissey Viva Hate

Indian Summer 3:30 Tommy Dorsey The Best Of Tommy Dorsey
Sea Of Teeth 4:29 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life

Candy Land 2:56 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

Pretty Good Year 3:26 Tori Amos Under the Pink

Mynewname 3:46 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Wonderful 4:22 Adam Ant Wonderful

Please Do Not Go 4:15 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
Back To The Old House 3:02 The Smiths Hatful Of Hollow
Suffer 5:10 Smashing Pumpkins Gish

Resolve 2:51 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season

The Things You Said 4:02 Depeche Mode Music For The Masses
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me 3:52 Low Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

I Am Hated For Loving 3:41 Morrissey Vauxhall And I

It Can't Come Quickly Enough 4:39 Scissor Sisters Scissor Sisters
Come On In 3:46 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Fade Into You 4:55 Mazzy Star So Tonight That I Might See
Crush 3:34 Smashing Pumpkins Gish

Death Of A Disco Dancer 5:26 The Smiths Strangeways, Here We Come
Unravel 3:17 Björk Homogenic

I'll Never Smile Again 3:14 Tommy Dorsey The Best Of Tommy Dorsey
Out To Get You 4:26 James Laid

Y Control 3:35 Yeah Yeah Yeahs Spin Mag CD

Prove My Love 2:38 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
Crown Of Love 4:42 The Arcade Fire Funeral

Track 04 3:26 The Singles I'm On a Sinking Ship

Don't You Want Me Anymore 3:47 Pulp Countdown 1992-1983
Ex Factor 5:26 Lauryn Hill The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
Lilac Wine 4:15 Nina Simone How It Feels To Be Free

By Your Side 3:59 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want 1:52 The Smiths Louder Than Bombs

Novanna 5:23 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Missing the War 4:19 Ben Folds Five Whatever & Ever Amen
Soma 6:40 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream

All Night Home 3:43 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Mysteries 4:39 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season

Painbirds 3:50 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Not For Sale 1:19 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

It Doesn't Matter 4:45 Depeche Mode Some Great Reward
Flake 4:51 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Now My Heart Is Full 4:57 Morrissey Vauxhall And I
Sweet Sweet 1:38 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream
Asleep at the Trigger 4:45 Autolux Future Perfect

I'd Like to Hurt You 3:46 Clearlake Cedars

Wanted 4:24 White Town Women In Technology

Holidaypark 2:50 Transmissionary Six Get Down

Bigmouth Strikes Again [Live] 5:51 The Smiths Rank [Live]
Add It Up 4:43 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes

Feeling Called Love 6:01 Pulp Different Class

5 Years 4:29 Björk Homogenic

M 3:03 The Cure Seventeen Seconds

I Do Not Want This 5:41 Nine Inch Nails The Downward Spiral
I Know It's Over [Live] 7:49 The Smiths Rank [Live]
Lyla 4:04 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve

Eyepennies 5:27 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life

I Want You 4:39 Pulp Countdown 1992-1983

Keep Smiling 2:39 Clearlake Cedars

Confessions 5:32 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
Tom the Model 3:41 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season
Boys Don't Cry 2:37 The Cure Three Imaginary Boys
Spaceboy 3:59 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream
Capital Kind of Strain 5:42 Autolux Future Perfect
My Best Friend 3:58 Annie Anniemal

Sunshine 5:03 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider

Why Does It Hurt 1:45 Hot Snakes Suicide Invoice
Great Days for the Passenger Element 5:20 Autolux Future Perfect
Treat Yourself with Kindness 5:54 Clearlake Cedars

Trouble Loves Me 4:40 Morrissey Maladjusted

In Your House 4:07 The Cure Seventeen Seconds

Haitian Love Songs 4:55 Cocorosie La Maison De Mon Rêve
I Won't Share You 2:48 The Smiths Strangeways, Here We Come
Good Feeling 3:52 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes
It's A Wonderful Life 2:59 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life
Rhinoceros 6:32 Smashing Pumpkins Gish

Celia Inside 4:40 The Cardigans Life

Wind in the Wires 4:18 Patrick Wolf Wind In The Wires
Sugarless 5:22 Autolux Future Perfect

Frou-Frou Foxes In Midsummer Fires 5:36 Cocteau Twins Heaven Or Las Vegas
Window Paine 5:51 Smashing Pumpkins Gish Alternative & Punk
Used To Be A Sweet Boy 2:49 Morrissey Vauxhall And I
A Featuring So Bold 2:58 Bobby Birdman Heart Caves
Colder 5:09 Colder Again

Secrets 3:20 The Cure Seventeen Seconds

Gold Day 4:14 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life

C'mere 3:11 Interpol Antics

Sunny 2:45 Morrissey Sunny

No Easy Love 4:02 Annie Anniemal

Candy Says 5:20 Beth Gibbons & Rustin' Man Out of Season
New World 4:21 Björk Selmasongs Alternative & Punk
True Love Leaves No Traces 4:26 Leonard Cohen Death Of A Ladies' Man
Promise 2:49 Violent Femmes Violent Femmes Alternative & Punk
Hold On To Your Friends 4:02 Morrissey Vauxhall And I Alternative & Punk
Downforthecount 4:25 Transmissionary Six Get Down Rock
Once In Awile 2:43 Tommy Dorsey The Best Of Tommy Dorsey
Exchange 4:11 Massive Attack Mezzanine Electronica/Dance
Happy Meal 2:37 The Cardigans Life Alternative & Punk 100
Little Star 3:39 Stina Nordenstam Romeo + Juliet Soundtrack
Once I Flew 4:24 White Town Women In Technology Electronica/Dance
Your Daddy's Car 4:03 The Divine Comedy A Secret History - The Best Of The Divine

Day Dream 3:08 Smashing Pumpkins Gish Alternative & Punk
Stretch Out And Wait 2:38 The Smiths Louder Than Bombs
Luna 3:20 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream Alternative & Punk
Junebug 3:25 Sparklehorse Good Morning Spider Alternative & Punk
Speak To Me/Breathe 4:02 Pink Floyd Dark Side Of The Moon
Caring Is Creepy 3:20 The Shins Garden State Soundtrack
Go It Alone 4:10 Beck Guero Alternative & Punk 100
The Only Living Boy In New York 3:59 Simon & Garfunkel Garden State
Mouth's Cradle 3:59 Björk Medúlla Electronica/Dance
A Week Next June 4:18 White Town Women In Technology
How Long 4:54 Out Hud Let Us Never Speak of It Again Electronica/Dance
Never As Tired As When I'm Waking Up 4:49 LCD Soundsystem LCD Soundsystem [Disc 1] Electronica/Dance 100 7
Changes 3:36 David Bowie Changesbowie Rock 100 8
Good Head 6:38 Turbonegro Apocalypse Dudes Rock
Chewing Gum 3:54 Annie Anniemal

Future 5:12 Cut Copy Bright Like Neon Love Electronica/Dance

Then She Did... 8:18 Jane's Addiction Ritual De Lo Habitual
Little Fat Baby 3:40 Sparklehorse It's A Wonderful Life Alternative & Punk
It's For You 4:50 Out Hud Let Us Never Speak of It Again

Everyday I Love You Less And Less 3:37 Kaiser Chiefs Employment
Jacob's Ladder 1:21 Patrick Wolf Wind In The Wires Alternative & Punk
Tristan 2:35 Patrick Wolf Wind In The Wires Alternative & Punk
Unhappy Birthday 2:45 The Smiths Strangeways, Here We Come

Currently listening : Set Free By The American Analog Set Release date: 20 September, 2005

The Relationship Coin (Re-post)

To all the friends and lovers I've broken up with:


I still love you

I just can't be around you because you cause me pain, confusion, doubt

I don't trust you; you make me not trust my self

You don't care for me as much as I care for you

You hurt yourself, and I can't stand idly by while you continue to deny your self-hate

You don't understand me like you think you do

I'm tired of fighting

I don't like where this is going

I don't see where this is going

This is going nowhere

I just want to be happy (not with you)

I don't like being associated with you

You embarass me

You disgust me

You need me too much

You put me on a pedestal

You drive me crazy

We are bad for each other

I miss you some times



To the friends and lovers who've dumped me:


With each passing day, I understand why more and more

I wish you had given me another chance

Why was it a competition?

I put you on a pedestal

I still love you

That's OK

I think I cared more about you than you cared about me

You really hurt me
You really made me doubt myself

You taught me so much about love

Maybe I am still IN love with you

You were right

I remind myself of you sometimes lately

I'm glad we had our time together

You put me on a pedestal

Sorry I wasn't what you wanted

Sorry I wasn't who you thought I was

Sorry I didn't make it

Sorry I wasn't strong enough

Sorry I said those things to you

I just wanted you unconditionally

You broke my heart

You will have my heart forever

You were right not to trust me

You drive me crazy

We were not right for each other

I miss you all the time


Currently listening : Loveless By My Bloody Valentine Release date: 05 November, 1991

Number 1 (Re-post)

A loud horn just honked outside for like 20 seconds. It was quiet except for this piercing note. The note struck something inside of me, and my mind floated away with a cloud and my consciousness said "Number 1".


So I turned on the Goldfrapp song and sure enough, the song began with the same clear and powerful note.


Incensed, I got out my Harmonica. I had to know if it was a C. Sure enough, it is a C.


Many scientists and people who work with sound frequencies and pitch, etc. consider C to be like perfection. The way it resonates, and the power the note carries in all of its octaves and in fifths.


Following the feeling - that high you get from synchronicity - I got to Googling.

Courtesy of Wikipedia:




** From the discussion **:
Talk:Middle C
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

"There's one pitch in which middle C is 256Hz (philosophical pitch? I can't remember the name). Has the nice advantage of all Cs being powers of 2! -- Tarquin


It is indeed called philosophical pitch (or sometimes "scientific pitch") and was reasonably popular for a while. It's very handy mathematically speaking if the only notes you're going to use are Cs - otherwise the nasty twelfth-roots of equal temperament come along and make all the other pitches things like D=287.350284Hz ;-) I'm going to write about different pitch standards at pitch (music) one day, it's an interesting subject, I think. I'll spruce this page up a bit as well. --Camembert

Then I got to thinking about the mathematical element to a keyboard, music, and C. From my esoteric studies, I know C is considered to be the note of enlightenment and higher consciousness.

I remembered reading about fractals in relation to C, which made me google fractals and pitch and C.

Courtesy of Terry Blackburn.us:






Experiences like this only support my belief and faith that the theory of Universality, also called the theory of "Everything" will indeed be discovered.

We are everything; everything is connected.

We discover more every day.

Currently listening : Number 1 By Goldfrapp Release date: 2005

Like Whoaaaa (Re-post)

Heads up - this is a train of thought kind of thing. Be warned.

brokeback mountain won many globes.
in my globe, all personal and soft-like,
roommates get diagnosed with cancer
love is shared and parts are scared.
dad is there. he does care.

jobs are cancelled. sorry!!
"but i had an appointment"
"SORRY! CANCEL!" (hahaha)

squealing mouse is trapped in glue by the fridge
but I'm too much of a baby to throw him
in the trash
or out the window onto neighboring rooftops;
though I hear his squeaking - cries for help -

As if the boogeyman is opening my bedroom door
I am helpless and paralyzed -we know death awaits him.

I tried tonight
but again I was off.
the smells and the laughs
weren't quite right.

my spheres were colliding
and my fault lines ruptured a bit.
perhaps the lines in my face
were mirrored by the waves
in my voice?

I
am beginning to think
perhaps it's best,
maybe
it would be best
if I never said anything at all.

Numb and pleasurable, expensive cab rides.

I find myself at home again thanks to FDR Drive.
It really was just not
in any way
sexual or sensual,
esoteric or aesthetic,
worth it.

I feel like a mannequin.
Pose me, bend me
fuck me, stuff me.
Sew your shit onto me
and please then call me your work.

Currently listening : Clap Your Hands Say Yeah By Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Release date: 11 October, 2005